Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Simple math...

Here's a dandy explanation of why I'm rarely posting anymore:

Combine the following:
A dollop of unemployment
A pinch of seasonal affective disorder (SAD)
A generous helping of holiday depression
A handful of grieving the unexpected loss of a very close family member
Drizzle in a teaspoon of pathetic singleness
and for an added crunch, add a touch of no longer being able to afford my phone bill.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Damn, I'm good...

I'm unemployed again.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Yee haw...

I am employed! Starting Tuesday, I will no longer be without work! Yippee! Okay, reality check: this is a temp. position (for about a month,) it's in a field I have absolutely no experience working in, and it's less than full time...who cares? I'm technically employed!!!

Now, I'm looking for a part-time gig for Christmas spending money.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Friday, October 21, 2005

Melancholy baby...

I'm still gone, there's nothing good in my life, but I'm still waiting for the storm clouds to blow away.

I'm trying to get out of this funk...although it's obiviously more than a funk by now.

Maybe buying a Halloween costume will help, but I doubt it.

I miss dying my hair. After thinking about my past hair color choices, I realized the only shade my hair has never been is blue.

But I'm not playing with the color anymore. My natural poo-brown is fine for now.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Damn You, Uric Acid!!

My thumb isn't broken. It's not arthritic either. It's gout.

Damn, I keep getting sexier every day.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

This is the bridesmaid dress!!!

Here's the bridesmaid dress for Kate's wedding. It looks great on both Joyce and I (the 2 maids.) Check it out:


Burnt orange looks even better in person. I'm very excited. It's realtively affordable as well. I was ordered to keep my hair dark brown for the occasion so I'll match the dress and the event's autumn theme.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

NOooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Michael Penn had a concert in Ann Arbor last night!!!! I totally missed it!!!! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!!

That's the only show I was looking forward to seeing. I guess I checked on his tour a few days too late.



The last concert I attended was R.E.M. in 1995. I'm way long overdue. But I wanted to see him!!!!!!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Yet another incentive to lose weight...


I need this. I don't just want this, I NEED THIS! I could even cross off an entry on the countdown to 30 list with this bikini.

Note: the picture is small, but it's a Tabasco hot sauce bikini.

This one's just for you Miss Ago...


I'm the ugly one on the left. This was quite possibly the worst I've ever felt and looked. I'm about 25 pounds lighter these days and not quite as gross-looking, but I'm permanently scarred for life thanks to these dresses. The fact that the sun was in my eyes didn't help much. Sadly, this is a good picture from that day. The other picture I have accentuates the fact that the dress didn't fit, it wrinkled really strangely, and I shouldn't have been allowed to drink as heavily as I did that night.

Also, the dyed-to-match shoes self-destructed before the end of the night.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

So, that's why my car smells moldy...

I was in a hit-and-run accident a while back and my driver's side rear bumper was slightly dinged. I didn't really think much of it. Most of my thinking was dedicated to the bitch who drove off.

Flash forward to this afternoon. I was trying to find the source of the moldy smell when I discovered several inches of standing water where my spare tire resides. The tire is slimy, the tire changing kit is gross and for the past several months, rainwater has been accumulating in my trunk. I rarely keep anything in my trunk aside from an emergency kit housed in a milk crate, so I never knew of any serious dampness issues.

My dad and I worked on the problem for a few hours this afternoon, before the torrential rains moved into the area. Water just pours in! Now I'm sure I've got black, moldy lung thanks to the fucking bitch who rear-ended me. That's a bit of a stretch, but it's true.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Clarification...

A one-mile portion of the marathon is run through the Detroit/Windsor Tunnel under the Detroit River.

I just returned from seeing "Just Like Heaven." Maybe I should try to get knocked into a coma. Maybe then things will start happening for me.

*sigh*

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Half-marathon: Not gonna happen...

Way back in April I registered for the Detroit Marathon's lovely international, partially underwater half-marathon. Way back in April I was semi-healthy and had a super metabolism and energy. Five months later, I'm sad to say my metabolism has stalled and I've gained six pounds purely due to a semi-sedentary lifestyle and NOT my diet.

Luckily, I was able to switch to the 5K. It's a lovely little run and each year I manage to shave minutes off my previous year's time and I have the unique opportunity to beat Kwame Kilpatrick (and his posse's) time by at least 20 minutes. When Dennis Archer was mayor of Detroit, he ran w/o bodyguards and he was an impressive runner. Not Kwame.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Good and Bad...

Good: I've started thinking about National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) which starts in November. Here's the link. I signed up for it last year and wrote about 500 words, instead of the 50,000. I truly sucked, but not this year!

Bad: The depression/blahs/unemployment blues have started manifesting themselves in my clothing. I've fallen in love with my yoga pants. This is really terrible, but since I'm rarely leaving the house and shunning the company of others (except for seeing movies occasionally) this is not really a problem.

Also, I must let it be known: today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Also, also: The wedding date has been officially set for September 30th. We (mom and me) have to average a weight loss of about 2 pounds a month from now on. The dresses may be rust colored. Very interesting...

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Leave me alone...

Yesterday evening I made my monthly sojourn to the movies to finally see "The 40-Year-Old-Virgin." I believe that the parts of the movie I was completely able to concentrate on totally rocked. Needless to say, something went wrong. Something always goes wrong.

Before the movie started, I grabbed my book and hung around a local strip-mall coffee shop. Just me and my book, not bothering anyone. I didn't notice anyone and wasn't trying to be noticed, but unfortunately I was wearing my new, very red cardigan which went soooo well with the 60 degree temps we've had recently.

Upon entering the theatre (which was a bit smaller than usual since the movie had been out for weeks already) I found a seat away from most of the moviegoers, sat and began reading again (hey, it's what I do!) Then a non-descript, youngish-looking guy asks me what I was reading, (a just-okay werewolf novel) then said he saw me at the coffee place and was going to talk to me but got nervous. I, not being used to talking to people, didn't say anything. Then he moves to sit right next to me and I discover that he smells like a mixture of unwashed hair, dirty clothes and coffee breath. He then goes on to tell me what he's reading at home, and that he doesn't read much and couldn't "get" the Da Vinci Code. Ummm, okay. He asks me what I do, I say I'm in between jobs and he goes on and on and on and on about his construction job. I listen politely and my ears slightly perk up when he says he's looking to go back to school. For what? Truck drivers training. Apparently, it's a family tradition.

Finally the previews begin and I LOVE previews...BUT HE WON'T STOP YAMMERING! He asked me if I saw Transporter II, to which I answered I hadn't heard of the first Transporter movie. I was being polite and cordial, but he wouldn't get the hint that I wanted him to shut up and go away. Then a preview with Jim Carrey is shown and the guy says he's his favorite actor. Trying to be nice and agreeable, I said I enjoyed "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which, of course, he didn't understand.

Finally the movie started and I somehow became one with the side of my chair and armrest farthest away from the guy, who, for reasons I shall never be able to understand, kept offering me sips of his pop. Ugh, gross. And he had an unfiltered sense of humor. Subtle humor and real gross-out humor got the same barking, belly-laugh.

For approximately 1.5 hours, I was partially paying attention to the movie but mostly thinking about when I should leave the theater under the guise of a potty break and not return. Yet, the nice girl prevailed and I watched the rest of the movie, which was extremely funny. I'll have to go see it again when I can be guaranteed I'll be left alone.

As the movie ended, he followed me out and forced his number on me. I didn't have a pen (damn, yeah right.) so he made sure I put the number directly into my phone and call him so he'd have my number. He backed me into the wall and watched as I entered all the numbers correctly. I got his number and quickly disappeared into the crowd. He will not be getting a call from me.

Okay, some might think I was being an antisocial bitch, but I got such a creepy vibe from this guy it wasn't even funny. I still have the creeps from the guy. I'm beginning to think he followed me from the coffee place. Why can't I meet a nice, Woody Allen fan??? A nice guy who wouldn't even think of sharing pop with a total stranger.

Friday, September 16, 2005

13 Months...

I have approximately 13 months until the wedding. In that time, I will need to lose a ton of weight. Thanks to "My Virtual Model" this is what I could look like at 100 pounds:


If only this model could be a reliable prognosticator...I would have a real, living-person skin tone and my fear of midrif-baring clothing will have disappeared.

Unfortunately, my hair will still look like shit.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Temp, part II...

It looks like I went straight from "Shopgirl" to "The Office." There is a good chance I'll be having an interview for an executive assistant-type position sometime next week. They're looking for someone who can organize an office of five or so sales types. There is a warehouse attached to corporate headquarters. I'd also be around to answer the phone and type. Ah, lovely. I can be Dawn.


My Jeopardy experience has reared it's ugly head once again. All my sister's friend's mother really knows about me is that 1. my name, 2. the fact that I'm unemployeed, 3. I have a perfect, beautiful sister and 4. I was on Jeopardy. Soooo, I had to relay the whole story to several perfect strangers; the whole sob story about how "The NBA" category ruined my plans for paying for law school and, in essence, why I was sitting in a temp. agency in the first place.

And I had to wear a turtleneck in today's 80 degree temps.

Temp...

I haven't been around much lately, and I've been highly negligent in checking out everyone's blogs, but hopefully all this will be changing soon.

I have my first appointment at a temp agency this afternoon. My sister's best friend's mother is VP of the agency, so perhaps that will help me in my quest to find gainful employment that doesn't make me want to kill myself.

Now, I need to find a shirt to wear with my suit that will hide the chest gash.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Another ridiculously stupid injury...

Yesterday was the day of my sister's huge engagement party. So of course, the second everyone arrives we're running short on pop and ice. Since I'm not getting married and of little interest to the rest of the crowd, I'm sent off to Kroger. Upon entering the store I'm stung by a bee, and thanks to a surge in adrenaline, longer-than-necessary fingernails, and semi-latent self-mutilation issues, this is the result:



So, in summary, Kate has a princess cut diamond and platinum ring and a nice fiancee. Jen has a bloody, self-inflicted wound on her chest. And the mutherfucker stings and burns something awful!

Friday, September 09, 2005

Bad times...

I'm back in the funk. I tried to relieve the blues by dying my hair (one of my very favourite activities.) Instead of a nice, rich, chestnut brown...it's dark shit brown/black. And we're having an engagement party tomorrow at my house, so I'll have to be seen by my entire family. I made an emergency highlight appointment for tomorrow afternoon, but I'm not sure much can be done to salvage my current look.

And to make matters even worse, I'm quite sure I broke my left thumb. I can hardly bend it and it hurts like hell. I only have limited insurance coverage, so I'm not sure if it will count as an emergency room-caliber injury.

And, I had a horrible dream last night: (and it's killing me to type with two hands, but I'm working through the pain) I had a job interview at a college (maybe Wayne State) for some kind of secretarial position. The first interview went well, I actually got a callback for a second interview which also went well, then on the way out a student stole the stocking cap I was wearing (stylin', huh?) and I verbally accosted him, thus embarrassing him around his friends, so along with stealing my hat, he beat the shit out of me, rendering me deaf, so I lost the job because it involved answering the phone.

I'm off to search for a pain killer. I think we have some codeine-based stuff somewhere.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Take a deep breath...

Okay, I probably won't be developing Lupus for another decade, but the fact still remains that it is on the horizon. I was trying to figure out why I recently became so photosensitive, I started stringing possibilities together and voila: a semi-plausible answer.

I've got a fairly common, mild pain-in-the-ass autoimmune condition (condition? problem? disease?) which manifests itself in dry skin, dry eyes, dry mouth, arthritis-like joint pain (yet not RA, thankfully) and general aches, pains and fatigue. Things could be tons worse: also in the disease family is scleroderma, which is fatal, so I'll live comfortably with dry, itchy eyes.

On the upside: I'm starting to write a werewolf novel!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Should I blame this on the supernatural romance novels I've been reading lately?

Lupus.

Gee, everything was going soooo fucking well in my life.

Off to get more blood tests pretty soon.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Shopgirl, almost...

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of reading Steve Martin's novela "Shopgirl." It was a nice, fictional story...that is until yesterday.


I had my interview at Marshall Field's and was instantly offered a full-time position (pending another interview with management) in the jewelrey, handbag and glove department. Unfortunately, it paid about $7.75 before taxes, but all that was fine with me because I'm already starting to worry about this years' Christmas shopping (and I get wallopped with birthdays in December.) A nice employee's discount would definitely come in handy, as would steady employment. But I got to thinking about "Shopgirl" and how that would be me. It was a bit frightening, especially the part about selling leather gloves. Eventually, I decided to cancel my second interview which was scheduled for this morning. I'm making roughly the same amount with my unemployment checks. I'll try to hold out for something that paid at least $10 an hour.

Don't get me wrong--there's nothing wrong with working retail. I did it myself for a while; I also know how difficult it is to get out of a comfortable, yet poorly paying situation. I could be there for years and before I knew it, I'd be forty, still poor, living in a crappy apartment, and still unable to afford any of the items I'd be selling.

The job search continues.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Lusty Lizzard...

This is a time-out from the self-centered ramblings that y'all know as Jen's Little Corner. My friend Liz (of Lusty Lizzard fame) lives in Arabi, LA, which is a nearby suburb of New Orleans. I just found out that they have probably lost everything in their house due to the catastrophic flooding. Liz and her husband Craig have taken shelter in Houston and are out of harm's way but this stupid hurricane couldn't have struck at a worse time. Liz is 8 month's pregnant and this is a troubling situation for someone without any health issues to worry about (although she is a M.D., it's still a scary medical prediciment. Craig's Ph.D. will probably not come in handy.) It may be difficult to deliver outside of Louisiana without incurring an insurance shitstorm.

I haven't been in touch with Liz (or Elle, or L, whatever. You're still Liz to me, gotcha???) ever since all shit broke loose in my life a few months ago, but she and Craig have been in my thoughts. Hopefully she'll get a proper baby shower with all the fixins in a few months (FYI, I love the design for the baby's room you picked out.)

So, everyone: keep Liz and Craig in your thoughts and prayers, as well as everyone else affected by this storm.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled superficial bitching.

7evens list...

sevens -tagged by Ago-go

Seven Things I Plan To Do Before I Die
1. To to Europe
2. Write at least one novel
3. Have a baby
4. Become well-known and successful
5. Explore catacombs underneath Rome
6. Take a cross-country road trip
7. get married (maybe)

Seven things I can do

1. Win at Trivial Persuit
2. Eat White Castles like my stomach is a bottomless pit
3. Pop my right big toe in and out of the socket
4. Sleep for 16 hours straight when I'm perfectly healthy
5. Speak with a believable Russian/Slavic accent
6. Make awesome Jell-O molds
7. Alienate friends and relatives in a matter of seconds (it's a gift, really.)

Seven things I can not do

1. Eat tomatoes
2. Dance
3. Sing
4. Speak in public
5. Drive without frightening my passengers
6. Roll my r's
7. Hold my liquor

Seven things that I find really attractive about the opposite sex

1. Intelligence
2. Height (over 5'10")
3. Sense of humour (dark and dry)
4. Occupation
5. Eyes
6. Physical shape
7. Any attention paid toward me

Seven things I say the most

1. Fucker
2. Mother fucker
3. Asshole
4. Bastard
5. What the hell
6. I'm on sabbatical
7. Hi Marvin! (when responding to the Michigan Automated Response Voice Interactive Network 'You can call me Marvin' which I call to report that I am still unemployeed every other Wednesday.)

Seven Books I LOVE

1. The Silence of the Lambs-Thomas Harris
2. Middlesex-Jeffrey Eugenides
3. Any of MaryJanice Davidson's 'Undead' series
4. Crime and Punishment
5. Any Harry Potter novel
6. Anne of Green Gables
7. Good in Bed

Seven people I'd like to see do the seven thing (and if you don't wanna do it, ignore me):

1. Anyone! I'm not picky
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Hoo-rah for now...

I have a 2:30 interview in Marshall Field's HR department tomorrow. Yay. Who knows what will come from it? Strangely, I think I may have been slightly flirty with the main HR guy earlier today. Maybe that'll get me in Clinique.

Unfortunately, today was the first time since April I've worn heels over 2.5" high. My baby toes have been torn to shreds. Quite a bloodbath, but I looked presentable.

Suck it up...

After a ridiculous period of unemployment, I've decided to give in. I've got degrees out the wazoo, I spent the last 3.5 years working for the second largest law firm in Michigan, and I'm aparently only qualified to do really obscure, rarely available work. Soooo, I'm going to Marshall Fields this afternoon. I decided a gig at the Clinique counter might be nice. I love the lab coat look.

I'm currently wearing Clinique's "Deep Cleansing Emergency Mask" which is a white clay miracle. Maybe it'll serve as a good luck charm as well.

Wish me luck!

Sunday, August 28, 2005

More reading...

I am horribly sick right now. I've been coughing, sneezing; I'm quite possibly the most disgusting thing since sliced head cheese. I've had this gross cold since Thursday afternoon and yesterday it was the worst...but that didn't stop me from gussying my bad self up and trotting over to Borders to get this book:

I'm so addicted to this series that I bought it hardcover! Dammit, I'm a phlegm factory. I deserve something nice right now.

My horoscope said something along the lines of "try to look your best; you never know who you might meet one of these days," so I actually curled my hair, wore my contacts and put coverup on my black circles. I looked good for the hour I was away from my sickbed...until I started coughing uncontrolably at the bookstore. I reeked of TB, I'm sure.

Also, Ago--the nasty pink dress picture will be posted soon. Just a warning.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Great books...

Within the past 30 hours or so, I read, nay, absorbed these two books:

Quick, enormously entertaining, enjoyable books. All about vampires who reside in Minnesota and a girl who get bitten, dies, wakes up in a casket, and discoveres that she's the prophesized Queen of all Vampires. I don't want to elaborate because y'all MUST read these books. There's a few more in the series and I'm going straight to Borders tomorrow morning to get my fix! I may have been forced out of my horrid, multi-month funk thanks to these. Vampire romance!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Always the bridesmaid...

My sista has been engaged for little over a week and the big event is tentatively planned for October 2006, but she has already started calling on reception halls, started narrowing down the guest list, and has been thinking about centerpieces (the little imp stole my autumn/harvest/pumpkin theme idea, but since she's getting hitched first, she can have it.)

Fortunately, (or unfortunately, depends on how you look at it) she also had a nasty bridesmaid experience a few years ago, as did I. We were standing up in our cousin's wedding and the dresses she picked out were horrific: floor-length pink satin with a sleeveless basket-weave textured bodice. All in pink. Square neckline, dangling pearls along the bustline, low-cut in back (no normal bra could be worn and the wedding was in August so all stocks of "sticker bras" were completely sold out everywhere!!!) All her bridesmaids looked pretty good, Kate included. I looked like total shit. My shoulders were too narrow to keep the wide straps up, so I had to glue the material to my body with spray adhesive!!! Also, Pink is totally not my color. I looked like a cranky corpse in all the wedding photos. Keeping this crappy and REALLY EXPENSIVE ($250+) experience in mind, Kate has narrowed down her colors to either brown or navy blue. Both colors totally work for me. She'll pick the color, we'll (her "friend of honor" Joyce and me) pick the style that looks best on each of us.

So, I'm jumping the gun a bit and have started leaning toward this lovely brown number. It's also available in navy, but I prefer the brown. It's a nice tea-length and will be easily hemmed to fit someone of my stature. And it's only $110.00 (although the dyed-to-match shoesies will probably be around $60.)

And my mom, who works in intimates at a department store, has assured me that I'll be able to find an appropriate bra for the occasion! Yippee.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Satyr-riffic

I've been thinking about my close encounter of the Capra kind and stumbled upon (and borrowed w/o credit) this lovely picture drawn by someone with perhaps more free time than I do (shocking):

Now, I'm waiting for the waist and the rack. I totally can't wait for those horns.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Quite possibly the stupidest injury ever...

Yesterday I was bitten by a goat at the state fair. Bitten right through my jeans. So, now the question is, will I transform into some kind of satyr during a full moon? The skin wasn't broken, so I decided not to get a tetnus shot, but I do feel lame. It's all my fault, really. I spilled pop on my pants earlier in the afternoon at the fair.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Wedding Bells...

My sister Kate called me at 2 AM with the news "I'm getting married!!!" To which I replied "fhjkaeyyrhg" then woke up enough to wish her my best. She promised a non-ugly bridesmaid dress but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm happy for her but most of all, I'm baffled. How the hell did she find this guy in Hillsbillyville, West Virginia:
--Native New Yorker
--Exclusive bording school educated
--Cornell graduate
--Knowledge of style and fashion; buys Kenneth Cole shoes on his own
--Enjoys Broadway musicals, but definitely not gay

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Getting worse...and goin' straight to hell

Today, within the past six hours, I've flirted with a semi-nerdy/semi-cute guy at Meijer while waiting in line to purchase my deodorant AND a really young priest at my great aunt's funeral luncheon.

And no, nothing resulted from either lame attempt at "friendliness."

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Still pretty bad...

I had my palms read this afternoon at the Michigan Renaissance Festival. I was informed of the following: I have severe allergies to many things in nature and I'm especially sensitive to chemicals in fabric softeners and scented candles (duh.) Also, according to my palms, I've been burned so badly in relationships that I am no longer willing to put up with anyone's shit. In the past, I had been extremely supportive in regard to the needs of the turds I had been dating, much more so than my significant others had been toward me (duh.) I'm basically dead on the inside. again, duh. Also, my period of isolation will probably go away with the next 12 years (yipiee) and although I have fertility issues, I will probably have a child before menopause sets in. No hint of marriage, though. There were hints that my career/happiness niche issues will be resolved soon, and a profession in a creative field is on the horizon.

It was a good time at the RenFest. I'll probably go back in a few weeks. I purchased a scarf from a belly dancing booth, some cinnamon-clove spiced honey, an agate, a piece of Labrodorium, the palm reading, some tasty fish and chips (with lots of tartar sauce (the bane of my existance lately) and a beer. I almost purchased a nifty cloak before reminding myself that I already have one and it's better than anything else here because it's British, vintage and reversable.

Then I returned home to discover that a relative died...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Dark days continue...

Just to let anyone who's wondering know--I'm still alive. Still unemployed but still with a pulse. Just a sad, lonely, poor, quite possibly infertile and cancer-infested, unemployed chicklet who's recently discovered the joys of drinking alone.

After reading the new Harry Potter book, I've decided to look for a gig as a part-time werewolf. That's the lifestyle for me.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Farewell, again...

Yet again, things are not so wonderful in my life, so I'm taking another blogging sabbatical. I may return sometime in August. I hope to be able to take my vacation next week, but everything is still up in the air. I also hope to find a job and be gainfully employed by the end of August, but things need to start happening soon.

Until later,

Jen

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

This is not good...

This afternoon, I experienced my first serious agrophobic panic attack in years while driving to a fairly unfamiliar shopping mall. This is seriously bad. Lately, I've taken to spending all my time either at home or no more than five miles away. Today's incident involved an acute sensation of dread, chills and a racing heartbeat. Luckily, it lasted only fifteen minutes or so, but it was extremely distressing. I don't want to be medicated like I was in the past. I had a prescription for Wellbutrin about eight years ago and it didn't do much, except maybe decrease my appetite. I don't feel like dealing with this right now. So, like the loner hermit I've become, I'm taking my banana bread out of the oven right now and returning to Harry Potter.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

How will I die UPDATE

After this evening's eating escapade, I've decided that I'll probably meet my end thanks to an overdose of Coney Island chili. The #1 ingredient is beef heart. Ingredient #2 is beef suet. Do I care? Hells no!

At our little party, I took in the following:
--One hamburger covered with aforementioned chili
--Even more chili, then a bit more
--Hamburger bun
--Pasta salad with pepperoni
--Two light beers
--One regular beer
--baked beans
--Jello
--Apple pie with carmel, cashews, peanuts and pecans
--Doritos
--Jager shot

If it weren't for the fact that I enjoy keeping my food on the inside, this would be a good time to explore alternative options for digestion or the lack thereof.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Challenges...

I'm all about challenging myself these days. I set up yet another blog recently dedicated to reading a book a week. Check it out. I just started on the new Harry Potter book, and may stay up all night reading. Hell, there are worse things to be doing...like staying up really late watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force and eating Slim Jims...not that I know anyone who would do something quite that horrifying and wrong.

Which brings me to yet another challenge: I'm going vegetarian on August 1st. I'll try sticking to an ovo-lacto-pesci diet, which means I'll be getting friendly with egg salad and tuna fish. It's really not for any animal rights issues, although I do feel rotten about eating animals which mate for life (ducks, geese) or have migratory instincts (geese [and salmon which I will eat occasionally because of the Omega-3 fatty acids...and the fact that they are tasty]) or have survival instincts (there was a bull that escaped from a slaughterhouse in Detroit a year or so ago. He was the lead 5:00 news story. He was later caught, yet rescued and is currently living out his remaining years in pasture.) I don't feel sorry for the following animals but will still avoid eating them: chickens, turkeys, goats and sheep. And from now on, until I die or have my mind changed otherwise, I will NEVER eat octopus. They are one of the most intelligent creatures on the planet.

So, for the next few weeks I'll need to get my fill of kielbasa, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken and ribs. We'll see how long I can stick to this challenge.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Damn, I just answered the questions truthfully...

Disappear

93%

Suicide

73%

Accident

67%

Bomb

60%

Eaten

53%

Suffocated

53%

Drowning

53%

Gunshot

40%

Natural Causes

40%

Disease

40%

Stabbed

33%

Posion

33%

Cut Throat

20%

How Will You Die??
created with QuizFarm.com

Footsie HNT...


I call this selection "Propped-Up Feet or Lazy Afternoon."

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Questions...

here are the instructions:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions -- each person's will be different.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Here are the questions I was asked:

1) you have to power to look like anyone on earth (male or female). who do you choose to look like and why?
If I could I would look like myself, only five inches taller (weight would remain the same.) If I had to pick someone else, I'd choose Audrey Hepburn circa Roman Holiday. She had the best eyebrows!

2) you are forced to live somewhere else other than the United States. where do you move?
Iceland. I dig the geothermal heat thang.

3) you are an exotic dancer. what is your gimmick, look, and theme song?
Gimmick: the fact that I'm oddly double-jointed. Sorry, no pole :) Just the bendy stuff.
Look: probably naughty schoolgirl. I still have the uniform skirts in storage. Or kitten with a whip, but I'd probably pull off schoolgirl a bit easier.
Theme song: maybe "Brand New Key" by Melanie (Rollergirl's song in Boogie Nights) or maybe "Oops, I did it again," but that's not really original. Actually, "Lullaby" by The Cure has a great taking-off-one's-clothing beat; great for the kitten look.

4) everyone has a 'nightmare boyfriend/girlfriend'. describe yours.This guy exists. I no longer associate with the bastard for obvious reasons. Here he was in stream-of-consciousness format: Black socks, squeaky clean white shoes (kept clean with white shoe polish,) white shorts, long black shirt tucked in and bloused out; pathetic Napoleon complex, die hard Star Trek fan, super-rabid-ultra-Nazi conservative Republican. Also he used to pretend to dance with his dogs, but it looked like he was into bestiality. I was too young it realize it at the time, but he was fairly abusive as well in many different ways. I should've been smart enough to see through his bullshit, but oh well, chalk it up to a learning experience.

5) you are privy to information indicating that the world is going to end in a week. you are the only one on earth who knows and can't do anything to stop it. what do you do for that week and do you tell anyone else? and why?I'd do everything I always wish I could. I'd travel as much as I could, summon up the nerve to find the attorney I was seriously crushing on (for three years solid) and ask him out to dinner (or at least drinks or coffee,) and wrangle up my extended family for an impromptu family reunion. If I told everyone the truth about what was about to happen, everyone would assume I was crazier than usual and probably ignore the warning.

Yippee!

I just booked my Las Vegas vacation!!! Heatstroke, here I come! Seriously, everyone in my family has been there and I've been given tons of suggestions; do any of y'all have any ideas and/or helpful hints? I need something to do other than tour the Liberace Museum :}

So, in the next few weeks, I need to the following:
--Drop 20 pounds (yeah, right.)
--Learn how to play blackjack and poker
--get a tan so I won't sizzle in the sun, as I am currently the whitest person in the country.

I have already:
--purchased a new purse that doubles as carry-on luggage (big enough for a few books, yet NOT touristy.)
--Purchased a cute sundress from Victoria's Secret. It's little, it's black, it's a dress, but it's not a "little black dress." It's more of a shorts-free day option.
-Decided to eat at a bufet only once and for the budget's sake, make the remainder of my meals coffee-based.

Also, for reasons that continue to baffle me, my mom warned me about prostitution.
MOM: "You know Jen, the city is called 'sin-city' for a reason."
JEN: "Uh, thanks mom but I'm not planning on picking up any hookers."

What the hell?

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Don't call me Shirley...

I just finished watching Airplane for probably the 50th time, and it never gets old! Never! Even watching it on AMC with commercials every 10 minutes was more than do-able. If I ever really hit rock bottom, I'd make a point to watch the movie all day long. It would set me back on the right path again.

Since I haven't quite hit bottom yet, I'm spending my time watching Bon Voyage starring GĂ©rard Depardieu. There's nothing better than subtitled films set in France during WWII involving heavy water (D2O.) Deuterium is such a blockbuster isotope; I don't think its Hollywood potential has been adequately explored.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

One step forwards, two steps back...

I'm trying to be a normal adult, well-adjusted, non-socially retarded and/or awkward but in reality I am the biggest geek in the world. Today during a break from my unsuccessful online job searching, I did a "normal" 28-year-old female kinda thang: I designed my dream engagement ring at www.adiamondisforever.com (in case you're wondering, I'm infatuated with a platinum or white gold solitaire with a 2 CT. emerald-cut center stone. No side stones.) Then I got to thinking about where I was before college. I was seriously considering studying entomology at Michigan State, but decided on Central Michigan University for petro-geology (seriously.) Obviously, the petro-sciences lost their charm quickly and I was thrust into the bosom of the liberal arts...But imagine if I went with the entomology idea (yes, everyone who knows me, it was inspired by the Silence of the Lambs--"Is that a seed pod? No sir, that's a bug cocoon.") Well, one thing led to another, and now I REALLY NEED THIS:

One can also purchase a LED light-up base separately. My God, that is the mack-daddy of all ant farms. It was designed by NASA, the blue gel acts as food, hydration, and a place to live and dig. I want it! I need it! I must have it! Being the uber geek that I am, it's an essential for my existence.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Nalf-Nekkid Thursday...


This week's Half-Nekkid Thursday submission: part of my arm, a wee bit-o-chest, a peek of cheek and my new dark hair. Posted by Picasa

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Identity crisis...

I was just goofing around on Target.com, looking up wedding registries for people I dislike (who won't be getting anything from me, of course) when I thought "gee, I wonder if there's anyone with my name getting married" and yes indeedy, someone with my exact name got hitched to a guy named Andrew on June 25th...in Michigan. I was fairly certain that I was the only Jennifer with my peculiar last name in Michigan. I guess I was wrong. Hopefully, she'll be taking his last name.

If I do ever find Mr. Wonderful and get married, there are only a few items I'll definitely register for. These include:
A lime green Kitchenaid Mixer and a Wusthof knife block (with knives.)

Monday, July 04, 2005

Baby, I'm money!

My parents have dubbed my period of unemployment as "The Summer of Jen" ala George on Seinfeld. As part of this sabbatical, I've decided to take a real, honest-to-God vacation to Las Vegas at the end of this month. I just checked on the temp: 103 degrees--I can hardly wait!!!!! I'm not much into gambling; Detroit has casinos and I've lost about $50 within the past few years. No big whoop. I'm also not much into shows (sorry Celine Dion,) but I'd be interested in seeing Circ de Soleil. Mabye I can wander onto a crime scene straight outta CSI.

Vegas Baby!

I am what I am...

and I'm no longer a blonde. I've devided to go back to my roots, and if memory serves, those roots should be dark brown. I've been messing with my hair for almost a decade, starting my freshman year in college when I first discovered Manic Panic. I spent a few LONG weeks with Vampire Red (I think that's the shade) locks. Then I'd been swinging back and forth between reddish/strawberry blonde to violently Debbby Harry Blonde to "Lets try something completely different" eggplant purplish-red-brown, after which I freaked out and personally stripped my own hair and went back to blonde. Then, when I was flushed with funds, I would sometimes pay for highlights. I'm amazed it hasn't all fallen out.

I did the big color-change myself (quite poorly, might I add; brown on top of blonde isn't always pretty) and decided that I really need a professional color correction, so on Tuesday afternoon, with the assistance of John K., I will hopefully leave the salon with a lovely dark nut brown shade. Maybe I'll also pop for an eyebrow arching. I take care of upper-lip 'stash matters on my own; I don't trust myself with the brows.

Thursday, June 30, 2005

More nudity (of the non-human variety)


Completely nekkid Dr. Turtle just chillin' for the camera. I believe he holds doctorates in herptology, astrophysics, and English Literature. He's a blast at parties. Posted by Hello


Totally nekkid bird. He's in the middle of saying "Please pardon the poo pile on the perch." Posted by Hello

Occular hnt...


I'm trying out the new Almay eye color enhancing makeup. God help me: I'm wearing green mascara! So, does the makeup bring out the green (on the left eye?) P.S. I AM wearing cover-up on my dark circles!!! Posted by Hello

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Sick...

I am completely laid-up with a nasty summer cold/virus. I feel like I got run over by a dumptruck. It's a strange bug that's running rampant through my household: it's mainly on the right side of my head--right side earache, sore throat, sinus headache and swollen gland. Maybe it's because I'm right-handed. My dad is a lefty and all his symptoms are lefties as well. Maybe that's the stupidest medical hypothesis in the history of stupid ideas.

I watched lots of Kim Possible again today. It's on 10,000 times a day on a few different channels. Effective immediately, or as soon as this bug goes away, I'm cutting myself off from the show. Why? Because as I was obtaining health insurance yesterday, I actually said "Oh, no drama" when explaining the state of my job-search to the insurance agent. My innards cringed as I said it.

Things could be worse: I could get stuck on soaps again. When I was thirteen or so, I was stuck on General Hospital and All My Children. I'd tape the shows every day and watch them before bed. Since the shows seem to be fairly youth-oriented these days, I'm safe.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

I think I know this guy...

I'll totally be seeing this summer blockbuster!

I just saw a preview for this and I laughed my ass off! This has been quite the summer for theater movies. I just saw Bewitched this afternoon. Not too bad; good brainless fun. Now I must see the following forthcoming flicks: Dark Water, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Fantastic Four, Aristocrats and maybe Wedding Crashers (because I heart Christopher Walken, but of course who doesn't?)

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I'm officially a grown-up now...oh wait--on second thought I'm totally not.

It was brought to my attention that I didn't complain about not getting a free birthday drink this year. In fact, I consumed no alcohol on my birthday, or even a drop since Saturday. I was feeling very proud of this fact, and dare I say it, even MATURE until my TV watching habits of the past few days also sunk in: I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon watching Kim Possible on the Disney Channel...and I'm doing it again right now.

Not that it makes it any better, but half the time I think I prefer the villians to the "good guys."

My God, I need to get back to work! Does anyone need a proofreader/copywriter in the Metro Detroit area?!?!?

Nekked Neck...


Here is an extremely akward camera-angle picture of my half-nekkid, ghostly pale, weird looking neck. Also, note the not-yet deadly pre-carcinomas I've got camped out on the shoulders. And people wonder why I avoid the sun! Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Sale! Sale!

Is anyone looking for a book on faith healing? How about a read-only-once copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover? Or a ladies Kenneth Cole shirt? check out my eBay sale if you're interested in cheap books, odd clothing and the occasional can't-live-without accessory that would make your life complete!

Monday, June 20, 2005

Happy birthday to me...

Well, I have made it to 28 and have decided to make some changes in my life. Things started normal enough this morning: I woke up with the sunshine and birds, was serenaded by my mom and opened my present: "Eats, Shoots and Leaves," Sense and Sensibility on DVD, the Harry Potter 5-pack and a cheque to go toward my hair-colour correction (I'm going back to my natural brown--Kristin Davis brown.) My parents have finally made peace with the notion that I love books and period flicks.

Here's where the life changes begin: the Detroit Marathon is October 23 and I WILL be going to Bally's and/or doing some kind of physical exercise/training every day until then. I located a good half-marathon training schedule and I probably will reach the finish line in one piece. Then I went shopping, bought a pair of Steve Madden shoes (black heels with pink edging. Very cute.) And the most perfect piece of Godiva Chocolate--the praline clamshell. Here's change #2: I need to do something wonderful and relaxing for myself, like the Godiva, at least a few times a week. Even going to the library and relaxing in the cool quiet would work.

Also, I'm going to start going to yoga classes at Bally's. I need some physical, mental and spiritual help as well.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Bloomsday...

Last year around this time I recall listening to an interesting story on NRP all about "Bloomsday," the day James Joyes fans re-create the happenings of Ulysses. I also recall telling myself to read the book by next June 16th. Today is June 18th and I forgot all about it! Dammit! Hopefully I'll remember it for next year. At least I finished at least one 1000+ page novel this year. I better get cracking.

Also, speaking of "holidays," today is my extended family's annual Father's Day theme party at my Aunt Teresa's (and Derrell's) house. In the past, the party's theme has been "Survivor" (I wore khaki shorts and a safari hat,) the 50's (I found an appropriate vintage dress,) Greek (my dad and uncles wore togas--I just brought Kalamata olives) and this year the theme is holidays (?). Each family (there are 6 siblings in the main family) get's a holiday to dress up as and bring a dish celebrating that holiday. We have Halloween. My mom made a pasta salad with cheddar cheese and black olives served in a trick-or-treater's bowl. This year's theme is a bit convoluted; I really don't get it. I'm dressing up as a witch...a Samantha Stevens Bewitched-witch.

The dress is a red vintage mini-dress from the 60's. I tried it on with some matching red heels. I look kinda whorish. I'm sure pictures will be taken. I plan on getting smashed. Nothing better than doing shots with your 40-something aunts.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Ouch...

Yesterday afternoon I went to Applebee's for lunch with my mom, my mom's cousin and my great aunt. For the first few minutes of socializing, everything was lovely until my mom's cousin asked me "so, how long have you been in town?" to which I replied "uh, I live here." After a bit of confusion, it was determined that I was, in fact, not Kate but plain old, Michigan-dwelling Jen. Apparently, I was remembered as being a bit "heavier" than Kate. Ouch. Usually I'm told that I look good, but my previous weight had never been discussed so bluntly! Kate and I have two different structures: she's taller with bigger bones (and less meat on them.) I'm slightly shorter with much smaller bone structure (and more meat.)

When we returned home, I officially declared that I shall weigh 100 pounds by Thanksgiving. Thanks to my height and build, this is not only do-able, but a healthy challenge. I could probably look healthy and semi-robust even at 90 pounds. Anything less would look gross and sickening. I recall a girl in high school who was so skinny, one could see her teeth through her lips. She was anorexic, of course. 15% of my graduating class had obivious eating disorders; this even included a few guys. Even if I wanted to, I probably don't have the willpower to become anorexic or bulemic. I can't pass up Velveeta Shells & Cheese.

I'm not making light of these conditions, of course. I just love to eat.

Reading: Good Omens

Watching: Monsieur Ibrahim et les Fleurs du Coran

Hearing: Kate Bush "Running Up That Hill"

Wearing: Blue and white pajama bottoms, black t-shirt

Thursday, June 16, 2005

A few vacation pics...


Exotic lunch on the road, somewhere around Akron. Posted by Hello


I found a Death Star Pez dispenser. Usually the dispensers are shaped like actual people or character's heads. I was pathetically excited to find this one: an actual geographical location! (yes, I know it's not a geographical location. How about this: it's an actual fictional artificial outer space land-mass.)  Posted by Hello


Kate, looking a bit gassed. Posted by Hello


Me, looming in the shadows of the big, blue Jeep. Posted by Hello


The lovely Ohio River taken from a touristy spot in Marietta, Ohio. I think I may have gotten a tick bite while taking in the scenery. Posted by Hello


Me and Kate. I'm tired and hungover; she's either giddy or slap-happy. Posted by Hello

Hematoma HNT...


Just in time for Half-Neddid Thursday: my lovely bruised knee from slamming into a pole on a platform dance floor. Yes, I've documented a girl's first stripper equipment injury. Pretty, huh? Posted by Hello

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Itchy...

I had a lovely time visiting my sister in West Virginia, and have many a story and picture to share, but right now I'm miserable. I am experiencing a strange delayed allergic reaction to the sunless tanning products I've been using for the past week or so. I am red, itchy, lumpy, and thanks to my high tolerance for pain, I am bloody (fingernails in my sleep.) Gross and nasty. I'm pale once again.

And I'm all out of Aveeno bath-soak stuff.

Half-nekkid Thursday may be a pic. of the bottom of my feet--one of the only non-itchy places on my bod.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Alcohol...

Just a quick little blurb about the amazing effects of beer on my brain. Further vacation details to follow:

12 ounces of beer (Bud Light): purely a cool drink
24 ounces: I become talkative
36 ounces: I become very chit-chatty
48 ounces: I begin to talk about the "Transformers" movie from the 80s with a few very cool chemical engineers I've just met. I discover that lots of guys watch "Adult Swim" on the Cartoon Network. My inner geek is totally hanging out.
1 Crown Royal mixed shot (purchased for me): things become very amusing and I am willing to think about dancing
1 Ammaretto Sour (purchased for me): I will dance in public
60 ounces of beer (my final drink since the money has run out): I discover how to get upside down on a stripper pole. Figuring out how to get down is a different story.

That's all for now.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

On Friday morning, for the first time since April 2004, I'll be taking a really long weekend for a road trip adventure. In 2004 it was to see my sister in St. Louis. This time it's to see her fairly new apartment in Vienna, West Virginia! Woo Hoo! I'm not exactly in the mood to be a guest right now, but since my schedule is wide open, this seems to work best for everyone. I have no idea what we'll be doing, but clubbing, bar-hopping and dancing may be in the mix. Since it's a little town in the middle of nothing, there's not much to do that doesn't involve alcohol. Oh dear.

The last time I drank heavily with my sister was immediately following a difficult final engineering exam (her exam, not mine.) I happened to be in East Lansing for a library seminar and tracked her down to a creepy basement bar (lots of character!) She was drinking vodka and cranberry juice like water and it was amusing until she fell off her barstool and onto her tush, and threw up...then she threw up in my new car...then she smacked me on my ass leaving a Pepto-pink handprint on a pair of good dress pants. Ah, good times.

As a housewarming gift for Kate, I was planning on getting her a cookie press I saw advertised on late-night TV, but since this trip was a bit sudden I'll get her one later on, just in time for Christmas cookies. Actually, this cookie press was a 2-for-1 deal, so I'll keep one for myself. Long story short: the housewarming gift is a five pound jar of marishino cherries from Costco. She goes nuts for them.

Reading: Martha Stewart Living

Watching: Good Eats

Hearing: The Church--Under the Milky Way (I love this song sooo much!)

Wearing: Grey shirt, jean shorts and fushia flip flops.

HNT...


Here I am, just lounging away the day, not quite half-nekkid this Thursday but definitely in a state of skimpiness. Also, my natural blinding whiteness seems to be the winner in the "battle of the fake tan." Posted by Hello

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Scalded...

I just returned from running errands and checking on something at Wayne State. On the way home, I stopped at Trader Joe's for flax seed chips for my sister (more on her later, tomorrow maybe) and all-natural peanut butter. Anyway, I'm pushing the shopping cart with my right hand, the left is awkwardly holding a free sample cup of coffee, and I notice a very attractive young fella in the frozen organic section (tall, skinny, pale, dark-haired, glasses, no wedding ring, vaguely Jewish looking...just my type.) So, like a moron, I move my cart near his, pretend to be interested in the veggie enchiladas, prepare to make eye-contact and manage to spill the blisteringly hot coffee on my skirt and flip flop-clad feet. If that weren't enough, I also sounded like I had Tourette's syndrome. A very colorful string of expletives left my mouth and I think he ran away. Dammit. I just can't win.

Reading: Moby Dick

Drinking: Crappy strawberry wine--a wedding favor I found in the pantry.

Hearing: The Dead Milkmen

Wearing: Black Kenneth Cole sleeveless blouse, black skirt w/white polka dots and black beaded flip flops

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Change comes from within...

Yes, I changed the template again. I've got a huge amount of anxiety right now and it's manifesting itself in serious blog indecision.

I need a drink. Right now. Vodka tonic, here I come!

Robert Smith kicks ass...


Um, thanks South Park.
Seriously, Disintegration is quite possibly the best album ever made, and as I discovered this afternoon it is also the perfect music for cleaning a bathroom. Serious tunes for tub scrubbing. I was only able to locate my cassette; I know I have (or had) the CD, but it was probably stolen by an ex-BF (bastard.)

Also, a zillion years ago, I saw an ad for neighborhoodies, this great site for custom design t-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, bags and other stuff. Last week, after thinking about it forever, I finally ordered something! It just arrived today and I'm VERY happy with the results!!!!


Dig it!! My new Neighborhoodies shirt! It's also my superhero name. Posted by Hello

Also, also, I re-tanned and it worked. Now I look like a Samoan (no offense to Samoans. You're a beautiful people. I'm just not used to being so dark. I usually look like an anemic Swede (who are also beautiful people, no offense as well.)

Reading: The new New Yorker, which arrived on Saturday

Seeing: Woozy stars, thanks to bathroom cleaning products

Hearing: Disintegration, as I had stated earlier. More specifically, "Lullaby."

Wearing: Jean shorts, yellow tank top, fushia flip flops.