Friday, April 29, 2005

Hi Everyone!

I'm just checking in to let everyone know that I'm still alive...but I officially got canned today, so my sabbatical may be prolonged even further. My existance sucks right now but it's 2:37 in the afternoon and I've been drunk since 1:30 so it's all good.

Friday, April 22, 2005

Goodbye for now...

I will be taking a sabbatical from blogging for the next week or two. I sincerely doubt anyone really wants to read about my never-ending string of fabulous dates which go sour very quickly. Or my soon-to-be state of unemployment. Or my current cancer freak out. I'm way too depressed to put anything into words right now.

Anyone's fortune can change in a week. Maybe even mine.

I'll be stopping by and visiting all my buddies during this span, but don't be surprised if I just lurk and don't contribute anything to the comments and/or conversation.

Until later,


Thursday, April 21, 2005

It's that time of the year again...

This morning, I was visited by the Cancer Fairy. Actually she's the "Fear of Cancer" Fairy, very similar to the actually Cancer Fairy, except she wears a fluffy green dress instead of a pink one. It's time for my six-month screening and now I'm freaked because of the insurance issue. What if cancer is found, I locate a new job, and am denied insurance coverage due to a pre-existing condition? I'm sure this won't happen because I'll be perfectly healthy and in tip-top shape, but there is still that chance.


I love filling out surveys like this.

1. Jen
2. J-Sto
3. That library girl

1. Preciousjen
2. Jendawgy
3. No #3

1. My eyes
2. My sense of humor
3. My goofed-up brain

1. The beginnings of arthritis
2. My side profile
3. My attention span

1. Polish (that's all)

1. David Copperfield (magician, not Dickens)
2. Monkeys
3. Dying a childless spinster

1. Coffee
2. NPR
3. Reading

1. Black and white striped Picasso-style boatneck sweater
2. Black Old Navy pants
3. Ill-fitting bra

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists (at the moment)):
1. The Pixies
2. The Clash--I'm getting retro
3. The Carpenters--One of my many deep, dark secrets

1. "Dance Me to the End of Love" - Leonard Cohen
2. "Just Like Starting Over" - John Lennon
3. "Modern Love" - David Bowie

1. Making money
2. Running a half-marathon
3. Taking a real vacation

1. Mental compatibility
2. Affection
3. Similar goals in life

1. I have a solid gold molar
2. I love reptiles
3. I collect Precious Moments figurines

1. Eyes
2. Height (over 5'8")
3. Shape--I prefer thin guys

1. Sing
2. Dance
3. Roll my R's

1. Reading
2. Running
3. Cooking

1. Take a nap
2. Get a French manicure
3. Go to White Castle

1. Fiction writer
2. Librarian
3. Elementary school teacher

1. Washington DC
2. Prague
3. London

1. Julian
2. Jane
3. Lydia

1. Meet Mr. Wonderful (if he exists) and get married
2. Write my novel
3. Be genuinely happy

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Atlas Shrugged countdown...

I'm on page 773 of 1069! I should finish by tomorrow morning.


The general consensus among my friends at work is that Mr. Date might possibly still be interested in me, but that I need to settle down and not seem too insecure and needy. My friend Denise said something to the effect that if he's not interested, he'll be missing out on the best person in the world. I got a bit misty after she said that. I need to work on my self-confidence issues. I need a total makeover, inside and out. Since this time last year, I've shed twenty five pounds. It doesn't sound like much, but on a small-boned, 5'2" body the loss is really noticeable. I'm looking better than ever, but inside I'm still the same overweight, gawky, lonely girl I always was.

Yes, I know it was just one date and I shouldn't be getting my hopes up. At the same time, I rarely find anyone I have even one thing in common with. This time it just seemed different.

For all I know, he's reading this. Who knows? If so, welcome to the truth about me.

As of right now, I'm no longer writing about him in this blog. I've got other things I should be worrying about: school, career, my future unemployment and the fact that I can't find another job. The thought that I should explore the world of teaching is another thing that is scaring the hell out of me at the present time.

Oh goodie, a lifestyle for me...

From today's edition of The Onion:

80 Percent of All Hermits Recovering From Broken Hearts

AMHERST, MA—According to conclusions reached by researchers at the University of Massachusetts, four-fifths of the world's dedicated recluse population were once luckless in love. "We have conclusively linked heartsickness to the behavior of dwelling in remote mountaintop caves, in bramble-covered forest huts, and on nameless unmapped islands," professor of solitary psychology Ludwig Meyer said Monday. "The loss of a lifetime's one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions and trackless jungle wilds." The study noted that the remaining 20 percent of hermits were driven from human contact by the desire to run naked around the woods, urinating though their knee-length beards.

Yes, I did hear back from Mr. Saturday Night Date, but he only responded to my "I had a great time" email with a short message that seemed a bit obligatory. He's busy, I know that for sure, but I get the feeling that he's not interested in me anymore.

What the hell am I doing wrong???

Monday, April 18, 2005

Things I'll miss about Detroit...

Apart from financial security and all my work friends, there are a handful of things I'll definitely miss about the big city when my employment ends sometime very soon. Here are a few things I'll especially miss:

--The guy who works in the toll booth at JLA who blows me a kiss every day. His gesture makes me feel all fuzzy inside daily.
--Seeing semi-celebrity look alikes on the ride in. Today I saw a guy who looks exactly like Frank Zappa.
--Being within a few miles of the DIA.
--Spending my lunch hour on the riverfront.
--Seeing Canada every day.
--The people who recognize me at Starbucks.
--The strong stink of urine in the air every morning...oh wait, I won't miss that one.

They began interviewing for my job today and I haven't heard from Mr. Trivial Pursuit Date yet, so instead of feeling sorry for myself, I took a mental holiday 1/2 day, spent some time out in the sun and started canvassing the area for a new gig. Starbucks is starting to look promising.

Really pissy Monday.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Best date ever...

After getting dolled up last night in my little black dress from Petite Sophisticate and cute new Chinese Laundry shoes (black and white houndstooth mules-I can't locate a pic. of these anywhere; they might be from last year) and locating my Trivial Pursuit game (he requested it,) I met M. at his house, exchanged pleasantries, and headed out with him to the Detroit Film Theater. We watched "Mondovino", and now I know more about the globalization of the wine trade than I ever needed to know. Then we went for Thai (we split Pad Thai, satay and fresh rolls) and went back to his place for Trivial Pursuit. He's as big a trivia geek as me. And somehow, someway, I actually lost!!! I've never lost at Trivial Pursuit before in my life!!! I've never had a worthy competitor!

I accumulated all the pie pieces early in the game, way before him, and got stuck with crappy questions while getting to the middle of the board. He then caught up quickly and got to the middle two spaces ahead of me and somehow answered correctly a question about harness racing. What the hell???

It was a really great date. No lull in the conversation at all. We have a ridiculous amount of stuff in common (when our families left Poland, our senses of humor, our Thai food preferences) but not enough to feel like I'm dating myself. Just someone very similar to myself, only without all the annoying details I dislike about myself.

A bit more than a peck at the end of the night, but I'm not complaining. :)

I really hope I hear from him again!

Saturday, April 16, 2005

t-minus one hour and counting...

and I have to puke. I can't believe I'm actually nervous! Here's a list of things I've done in preparation for the first official date of 2005 (how sad):

--did a protein treatment on my hair (around 10:30.)
--washed and conditioned my hair again around 4:00.
--went to Target, purchased new underwear, earings and eyeshadow (that Almay eye color enhancers so my greens will stand out.)
--polished fingernails, toenails, and scrubbed my heels with a pumice stone.
--Actually remembered to shave my legs. The 'stash was adequately dealt with yesterday morning (ugh, Nair.)

I'm trying not to be a spaz. I was waaayyy too much caffiene in the system right now!

Thursday, April 14, 2005


This whole post is one big, fat, hairy TMI. Consider yourself warned!!!
My sister and I have been cursed with lycanthropic issues. It's something that affects just the two of us; no one else in the family. We don't know who we inherited this gift from. We've been polling all the women in the family about their frequency of shaving. The usual reply is "Two or three weeks or whenever needed. I have light baby hair on my legs anyway." Grrr. Many family members, both male and female have no leg hair at all! For Kate and me, especially in the summer, we sometimes need to shave twice a day. Nasty.

And then there's the moustache issue.
I purchased this stuff a few months ago and haven't had much luck. It's only supposed to take about three minutes to dissolve all the upper-lip fuzz. Well, after five minutes all the fuzz is still there. And so is the lingering Nair stink. I'm worried to leave it on any longer, for fear of becoming what Kate refers to as "Captain Red Lip" (her secret identity which she assumed a few Christmas Eves ago. Yow, that was a seriously funny burn!) I'm leery about getting a lip wax this afternoon after my failed chemical attempt of this morning, but I don't want to have any serious facial shortcomings for Saturday.

Another issue I have with this Nair stuff is the fact that all the instructions were on the cardboard package, NOT on the actual tube. I threw out the packaging after I bought it. The back of the tube is dedicated to advising users to try a test patch prior to usage, and warnings such as "Do not use on breast nipples." As opposed to the other kind???

At least I don't have the eyebrow issue...sorry Kate.

This is quite unexpected...

Unbelievable. I have a date for Saturday night! I re-joined a week or two ago just to see what happens, "winked" at a nice, interesting guy and have been exchanging emails for the past few days. I'm not planning on jinxing myself like I've done so many times in the past, so I'll only share the briefest of information:
1. He's 31.
2. A teacher at a local private school.
3. Has a great sense of humor.
4. Has a Ph.D in American Literature, so he's extremely well read.

Now I have to hit T.J. Maxx or Marshalls for a cute, stylish yet inexpensive springy/summer skirt. I'm doing this the right way! Maybe I'll get that MysticTan as well.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I'm allowed to look, right?

I'm not planning on getting married anytime soon, but if the unthinkable were to happen and Mr. Wonderful suddenly appears, this is the dress I'd pick. You can't tell from the picture, but it's tea length (above the ankles) and comes in a choice of white or ivory. I'm not sure, but ivory would probably look better with my skin tone. The best part: it's only $299 and my mom gets a discount at David's Bridal.


I've been to my share of weddings where the bride's dress costs at least $750, the reception with 500 guest probably totals at least $10,000 (I'm just guessing, probably on the low side) and that's not counting the photographer, limos, flowers, church/justice of the peace, hair and makeup. In my perfect fantasy world, Mr. Wonderful and I, along with our closest friends and family would get hitched in a small, yet meaningful ceremony and have a lovely reception at a warm, cozy restaurant...I'm talking about White Castle, of course.

Jennifer Wonderful? I'm keeping my maiden name.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Polish overload...

Within the last 24 hours, I have really started getting absorbed in my Polish heritage. After work yesterday I drove to Hamtramck, shopped at Polish Market, bought some tea that I hope I read correctly as raspberry, stopped at Polonia Restaurant for a nice big bowl of Czarnina (duck's blood soup--sounds gross but is actually quite delicious,) and went to St. Florian's for a mass for the Pope and was lucky enough to catch the rosary beforehand--all of which were in Polish. I do not speak Polish (and only catch 1 out of every 100 words) and was feeling guilty, so this afternoon I bought a "Polish in Four Weeks" study book and CD. It's actually "Polish in One Year if you don't have 2.5 hours to dedicate to daily study."

Thursday, April 07, 2005

I am a rock, yet squishy on the inside...

I am finished with N. I initially called him Mr. It Will All End In Tears, but no tears will be shed. It's not worth it, he's not worth it, and I deserve better but I'm not looking anymore. I called him yesterday afternoon to see how he was doing and left a message on his machine. No call back. He has no intention of calling back or making any further contact, I'm sure. What an ass! Am I such a horrible
person to have as a friend??? Dating someone who lives 150 miles away is a ridiculous idea, but maintaining a friendship is much easier. Making the transition from semi-dating to being/becoming friends must be too difficult for some people.

I am sick and tired of being used and abused by people. I always let it happen. It will never happen again. I wish I could go back in time, back to early March when I was hanging out alone, having Twin Peaks parties alone and being perfectly happy and content alone. I think tomorrow I'll go to see "Fever Pitch." It seems pretty funny and upbeat, something I need at this point in my life. Unfortunately, it's a date movie, so maybe it's not that great of an idea. Then after seeing the movie, I'll try to accomplish something on my "Countdown to 30" list. I'm thinking about spending the night outside, but it may be a bit too chilly this time of the year. Maybe I'll buy that digital camera or iPod. I'll definitely be finishing "Atlas Shrugged" this weekend.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Quien es esa nina?

I just found this picture from a zillion years ago. The differences between the 1997 me and the Jen of today are as follows:
1. My hair is no longer orange.
2. I am, more or less, completely blindingly white. No strange tanlines.
3. Mi Hermana Kate stole back her Bare Naked Ladies sunglasses.
4. I haven't been at a football game since I graduated.
5. I am way too old for that strappy tank look.
6. I am not harboring a crush on a math professor, as I was when the pic. was taken. I was hoping to see him at the game, while casually reading something I thought would look impressive. I no longer read to impress. That may have been the only time in my life I ever did that. Earlier in the year, I would pack my math textbooks and actually do homework during the game, but that was mostly due to the fact that I loathe football and had friends in the band.

Apart from that, I'm still a bit funny-looking.


Tuesday, April 05, 2005


Here's the little fucker that ruined my future plans:


Damn you, you little piece of plastic, metal and microcrystalline suspension of albuterol!!!

Prince of Darkness...

Mr. ITAEIT (see previous posts) surfaced yesterday afternoon after having just been written off as another abandoning bastard. He called me around 6:00, but I was not available. At the time I was getting drunk on the clean smells of spring and the sensations of wearing flip flops for the first time all year. It was absolutely gorgeous outside, so I flip flopped around our palatial estate checking out the state of the greenery. It will be a few weeks until the lilacs start blooming, but the buds are quite promising for now. I'm buying a digital camera this weekend, so I'll be able to post pics!!!

Anyway, I spoke with N. (for brevity's sake) later on last night. I'm not sure if he was putting on a cheerful facade the few times we've met and spoken in the past, but he is definitely not doing that anymore. He's now basically the Angel of Death. The Prince of Darkness. Bitter and angry. I asked if he was speaking with anyone like a therapist and expressed concern for his health and well-being. He is definitely someone in need of a vacation. Usually when I start getting all doom and gloomy, any current relationship is headed straight into the shitter. Depressive states repel guys like Kryptonite. It's happened zillions of times in the past, but now that the roles have been reversed I don't think I'll run away.

Why Can't I Catch a Break? Part 7623 or My Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Life

Yesterday afternoon I spoke with an Air Force recruiter...and was instantly disqualified for any kind of military service. Why, one might ask? Because I had used an asthma inhaler (even once) since the age of 12. Okay, after thinking it over, this is a good reason to be disqualified, but I use the damn inhaler maybe a few times a year and am not dependent on it. I don't use it every day or every week or even every month. I don't take it with me during a run. Usually it sits in the drawer of my bedside table and I find it a few times a year while cleaning. I use it in the winter mostly and only when completely necessary.

So now, I'm lost again. As usual.

Today hasn't been the most spectacular day. I needed a cup of coffee, couldn't locate my travel mug, somehow located a few bucks and made my way to Tim Horton's. Ended up spilling coffee on my crotch. Then, after finishing the coffee I "rolled up the rim to win" and didn't win anything. As usual. If I had won even a single Tim Bit, my day would be all sunshine and flowers and rainbows. But I didn't win anything.

So now I'm probably sterile or infertile.

Of course, I'm probably not. TMI Alert: As of yesterday afternoon I am profoundly not pregnant. Of course there was a 100% chance of that, but I got to wondering...within the last month I had been X-rayed, CAT-scanned and injected with dye, exposed to tons of sick people, a fair amount of alcohol and other secondhand substances. If I had been pregnant, what would that fetus be like? In eight months would I be holding the child and thinking "Well, he's got my eyes and my nose...and The Incredible Hulk's greeninsh hue and muscle tone?"


Saturday, April 02, 2005

Do widzenia...

In honor of the Pope's passing this afternoon, I was going to have a special dinner at the Polish Cultural Center...then decided that I had Polish food way too many times last week, so I ordered (and absorbed) a huge order of Pad Thai with beef. Incredible! Then I felt like crap because my secondary plans for a nice "zimne piwo" (cold beer) were dashed by the absence of any Zwiec in the basement fridge right by my writer's lair. The closet I could find--imported and full bodied--was Foster's. Things are just not shaping up this evening.

Being part of a large Polish Catholic family, this is a rough time. My sister called me sniffling and I had to remind her that the Pope isn't suffering and I had to ask her if she would want to prolong the inevitable. Needless to say that conversation didn't last too long. It's also my Grandma's birthday today and I've been calling to wish her a good one. She's not answering the phone and I don't like leaving messages on the machine. She really didn't want to share her birthday with his death-day. A bit morbid. I'm sure she wanted the passing to be either yesterday or tomorrow. One really can't plan these things.

I was on Pope watch all yesterday afternoon and night, then a bit this morning before running my Saturday errands (getting an oil change, going to Target, going to Starbucks, visiting the recruiter and meeting a VERY VERY VERY persuasive Army recruiter...and the fact that he was in full fatigues (*sigh*) didn't help matters) but I was paying attention to news reports on news/talk radio the whole time. Then for a brief window I left my media-saturated existence and went to Meijer and missed the big now I'm feeling slightly guilty. Especially for the fact that I was listening (and singing along) to Blondie's "Rapture" all the way home.

Friday, April 01, 2005

80 Days...

After the events of the past few weeks and after going to bed before 8:00 for the past few days, I think the minor funk/depressive state I fell into is finally lifting. Maybe everything really is a learning experience. Here is a list of things I have learned recently:

1. Don't go out with married guys with tons of baggage, especially if they secretly have no plans to ever see you again.
2. Don't pay too much attention to the plight of people in persistent vegetative states; it will just make your own semi-vegetative state less enjoyable.
3. Don't spend too much time watching "Fight Club" even though it is one of the greatest movies of all time. It will mess with the head during the difficult times. Just skipping to the last scenes is completely acceptable, though.
4. Don't use the weekly Loreal Preference haircolor protectant/deep conditioner on weekdays. Your hair will look slightly greasy all day.
5. Don't listen to Aimee Mann's "Save Me" over and over and over. It's just not a good idea. You've just got to save yourself!
6. Don't spend an entire day thinking about ways to make a difference in the world, unless you're really serious about it.

#6 is where I am stuck right now. #6 is the Air Force idea that has been rattling around in my brain for several years now...and I will come to a decision about it in exactly 80 days. I'm turning 28 on June 20th, exactly 80 days from now, and after tons of soul searching and getting my ass in shape will I make up my mind.

So far here are the pros:
1. I am single.
2. I have no children.
3. I have no felonies.
4. Other than family, I have no major ties to the area.
5. I'm afflicted by wanderlust.
6. I'm looking to pare down my possessions.
7. I don't have serious issues with authority.
8. I love wearing snappy uniforms.
9. I love men in snappy uniforms.
10. I won't have to cut off all my hair!
11. There is a 95% chance I won't get sent to Iraq.
12. I have two completed degrees and easily qualify for the officer program.
13. I won't be leaving behind a beloved job.

My cons are yet to come, although my parents felt like sharing their #1 concern/qualm: There will be no crying allowed. Everyone--feel free to share your opinions!

Also, note to the Detroit readers who watch Channel 4 news. I was interviewed this afternoon in front of St. Florian's in Hamtramck. I don't normally exhibit any spazzy tics or stutters, they just surface when I'm on camera.

P.S. This isn't an April Fools post. I'm dead serious about becoming an officer in the Air Force. I'm talking with a recruiter tomorrow!