Dr. Claw...

Every morning I ride the People Mover from my parking structure to my building. Usually the people I ride with are your normal, run-of-the-mill business people, but lately I've been encountering this lady who is driving me absolutely crazy. Let me preface my next comments by saying that I'm actually a really nice person, honest. I'm not a horrible, evil, vicious slug.

I usually ignore everyone on the train but I can't help but notice this lady: she has four-inch long fingernails. Long, thick, curled, real human fingernails. They are painted pink with different sparkly designed decals on each finger. Truly nasty and disturbing. Last week was the first time I noticed her out of the corner of my eye and I was instantly nauseated. She's always doing something with her fingers that completely baffles me. Like searching through her purse for her cell phone or opening up a piece of gum. On Friday, I began to wonder how she buttons her coat in the morning, or how she ties her shoes or even washes her hair without a major incident. This morning, things got worse. The poor lady has a cold and was blowing her nose. Unfortunately, I got to wondering how she manages to use a tissue without stabbing herself in the eyes. Then I realized that she couldn't possibly wear gloves. She could maybe wear some kind of oven mitt, but she'd probably end up looking like she had flipper hands, like a thalidomide baby. Thanks to that horrible thought, I chuckled to myself and probably earned a one-way ticket to hell.

So, to make matters even worse, I'm now calling her Dr. Claw.