Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Summer plans part II... (depressing rant)

Although I'll be going to the Ukraine for my aunt's adoption trip, I'm hoping to use this as a perfect opportunity to get my life in order, get my head on straight, and hopefully finally discover what it is that I'm supposed to do with my life, be it a career direction or a total life path. All I know is that I'm not on the right path right now, or at least I wasn't before I was fired. I'm not on any path right now.

I really wanted to keep in touch with all my friends from work, especially considering that they are/were my only close, see-daily friends. Of course, that didn't happen and it was all my fault. My friend Rose emails me daily (sends me schmaltzy forwards and chain letters, actually) and has been calling but I just can't respond to her calls and messages. I just don't have the energy anymore to ask about how things and people I used to work with/for are doing. I'm not a part of the works anymore. I think that for me, the friendships were connected to the firm. I don't feel like a part of that anymore. I know this isn't true, but I'm just not up to it (social interaction.)

I am definitely in a depressive funk. There's very little I can do about it. I've got no real benefits, so apart from eating healthy and getting enough sleep I have no medicinal options. I'm still awaiting information on my COBRA benefits and my parents are super paranoid about anything happening to me. "Be careful! God forbid you get in an accident! How will you pay for your medical bills???" I guess it's a good thing that I rarely leave the house anymore these days. I have been showering, brushing my teeth, doing my hair, all the important stuff, but for all practical purposes I am a hermit. I did go to Starbucks today. It was good to see people I'm not related to.

I am looking for a job, but not really actively. Just my luck: I'd be offered the job of a lifetime the day before I fly to Kiev. I guess if they really wanted me, they'd wait a few weeks, but that's doubtful.

I'm hoping to find a job opportunity/career that would make a difference in someone's life. I just discovered this past weekend that the FBI wants no part of me, just as the Air Force didn't require my services. This time it's the history of asthma (or, as they phrase it, a physical defect) and the fact that I have a broad, extensive liberal arts background. They pretty much eliminated the "diversified" (any four-year degree and two years of work in a related field) background element for prospective special agents. I guess it's all anti-terrorism these days, so art thieves are prospering. Maybe deep down inside me, I just want to be a writer with a gun...and since Hunter S. Thompson is gone, there's a vacancy for that role. I want to have a creative job with some kind of super-authority connected to it.

Just as I want to make a difference in someone's life, I have a major problem: I don't especially like children, animals, or most other people. At least not right now. But I do want to touch someone's life. I want to be remembered for something other than being that goofy girl who was on Jeopardy all those years ago, who no one really felt comfortable talking to. Since having children may be a biological impossibility or a deadly serious risk to me, I want a little bit of immortality.

No, I'm not planning on offing myself, but my existance is one huge, muddy puddle right now.

1 comment:

Vavoom said...

You do make a difference in people's lives, Jen. Look at your blog. I read it all the time (was out of town so I couldn't recently). It certainly has an impact on me. Please rent It's a Wonderful Life. We all make a difference. It's difficult to see that, I know. Have faith. Your life has purpose and meaning, even if you aren't sure what that purpose or meaning is.