More nudity (of the non-human variety)

Completely nekkid Dr. Turtle just chillin' for the camera. I believe he holds doctorates in herptology, astrophysics, and English Literature. He's a blast at parties. 


Totally nekkid bird. He's in the middle of saying "Please pardon the poo pile on the perch." 

Occular hnt...

I'm trying out the new Almay eye color enhancing makeup. God help me: I'm wearing green mascara! So, does the makeup bring out the green (on the left eye?) P.S. I AM wearing cover-up on my dark circles!!! 

Sick...

I am completely laid-up with a nasty summer cold/virus. I feel like I got run over by a dumptruck. It's a strange bug that's running rampant through my household: it's mainly on the right side of my head--right side earache, sore throat, sinus headache and swollen gland. Maybe it's because I'm right-handed. My dad is a lefty and all his symptoms are lefties as well. Maybe that's the stupidest medical hypothesis in the history of stupid ideas.

I watched lots of Kim Possible again today. It's on 10,000 times a day on a few different channels. Effective immediately, or as soon as this bug goes away, I'm cutting myself off from the show. Why? Because as I was obtaining health insurance yesterday, I actually said "Oh, no drama" when explaining the state of my job-search to the insurance agent. My innards cringed as I said it.

Things could be worse: I could get stuck on soaps again. When I was thirteen or so, I was stuck on General Hospital and All My Children. I'd tape the shows every day and watch them before bed. Since the shows seem to be fairly youth-oriented these days, I'm safe.

I think I know this guy...

I'll totally be seeing this summer blockbuster!

I just saw a preview for this and I laughed my ass off! This has been quite the summer for theater movies. I just saw Bewitched this afternoon. Not too bad; good brainless fun. Now I must see the following forthcoming flicks: Dark Water, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Fantastic Four, Aristocrats and maybe Wedding Crashers (because I heart Christopher Walken, but of course who doesn't?)

I'm officially a grown-up now...oh wait--on second thought I'm totally not.

It was brought to my attention that I didn't complain about not getting a free birthday drink this year. In fact, I consumed no alcohol on my birthday, or even a drop since Saturday. I was feeling very proud of this fact, and dare I say it, even MATURE until my TV watching habits of the past few days also sunk in: I spent the better part of yesterday afternoon watching Kim Possible on the Disney Channel...and I'm doing it again right now.

Not that it makes it any better, but half the time I think I prefer the villians to the "good guys."

My God, I need to get back to work! Does anyone need a proofreader/copywriter in the Metro Detroit area?!?!?

Nekked Neck...

Here is an extremely akward camera-angle picture of my half-nekkid, ghostly pale, weird looking neck. Also, note the not-yet deadly pre-carcinomas I've got camped out on the shoulders. And people wonder why I avoid the sun! 

Sale! Sale!

Is anyone looking for a book on faith healing? How about a read-only-once copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover? Or a ladies Kenneth Cole shirt? check out my eBay sale if you're interested in cheap books, odd clothing and the occasional can't-live-without accessory that would make your life complete!

Happy birthday to me...

Well, I have made it to 28 and have decided to make some changes in my life. Things started normal enough this morning: I woke up with the sunshine and birds, was serenaded by my mom and opened my present: "Eats, Shoots and Leaves," Sense and Sensibility on DVD, the Harry Potter 5-pack and a cheque to go toward my hair-colour correction (I'm going back to my natural brown--Kristin Davis brown.) My parents have finally made peace with the notion that I love books and period flicks.

Here's where the life changes begin: the Detroit Marathon is October 23 and I WILL be going to Bally's and/or doing some kind of physical exercise/training every day until then. I located a good half-marathon training schedule and I probably will reach the finish line in one piece. Then I went shopping, bought a pair of Steve Madden shoes (black heels with pink edging. Very cute.) And the most perfect piece of Godiva Chocolate--the praline clamshell. Here's change #2: I need to do something wonderful and relaxing for myself, like the Godiva, at least a few times a week. Even going to the library and relaxing in the cool quiet would work.

Also, I'm going to start going to yoga classes at Bally's. I need some physical, mental and spiritual help as well.

Bloomsday...

Last year around this time I recall listening to an interesting story on NRP all about "Bloomsday," the day James Joyes fans re-create the happenings of Ulysses. I also recall telling myself to read the book by next June 16th. Today is June 18th and I forgot all about it! Dammit! Hopefully I'll remember it for next year. At least I finished at least one 1000+ page novel this year. I better get cracking.

Also, speaking of "holidays," today is my extended family's annual Father's Day theme party at my Aunt Teresa's (and Derrell's) house. In the past, the party's theme has been "Survivor" (I wore khaki shorts and a safari hat,) the 50's (I found an appropriate vintage dress,) Greek (my dad and uncles wore togas--I just brought Kalamata olives) and this year the theme is holidays (?). Each family (there are 6 siblings in the main family) get's a holiday to dress up as and bring a dish celebrating that holiday. We have Halloween. My mom made a pasta salad with cheddar cheese and black olives served in a trick-or-treater's bowl. This year's theme is a bit convoluted; I really don't get it. I'm dressing up as a witch...a Samantha Stevens Bewitched-witch.

The dress is a red vintage mini-dress from the 60's. I tried it on with some matching red heels. I look kinda whorish. I'm sure pictures will be taken. I plan on getting smashed. Nothing better than doing shots with your 40-something aunts.

Ouch...

Yesterday afternoon I went to Applebee's for lunch with my mom, my mom's cousin and my great aunt. For the first few minutes of socializing, everything was lovely until my mom's cousin asked me "so, how long have you been in town?" to which I replied "uh, I live here." After a bit of confusion, it was determined that I was, in fact, not Kate but plain old, Michigan-dwelling Jen. Apparently, I was remembered as being a bit "heavier" than Kate. Ouch. Usually I'm told that I look good, but my previous weight had never been discussed so bluntly! Kate and I have two different structures: she's taller with bigger bones (and less meat on them.) I'm slightly shorter with much smaller bone structure (and more meat.)

When we returned home, I officially declared that I shall weigh 100 pounds by Thanksgiving. Thanks to my height and build, this is not only do-able, but a healthy challenge. I could probably look healthy and semi-robust even at 90 pounds. Anything less would look gross and sickening. I recall a girl in high school who was so skinny, one could see her teeth through her lips. She was anorexic, of course. 15% of my graduating class had obivious eating disorders; this even included a few guys. Even if I wanted to, I probably don't have the willpower to become anorexic or bulemic. I can't pass up Velveeta Shells & Cheese.

I'm not making light of these conditions, of course. I just love to eat.

Reading: Good Omens

Watching: Monsieur Ibrahim et les Fleurs du Coran

Hearing: Kate Bush "Running Up That Hill"

Wearing: Blue and white pajama bottoms, black t-shirt

A few vacation pics...

Exotic lunch on the road, somewhere around Akron. 


I found a Death Star Pez dispenser. Usually the dispensers are shaped like actual people or character's heads. I was pathetically excited to find this one: an actual geographical location! (yes, I know it's not a geographical location. How about this: it's an actual fictional artificial outer space land-mass.)  


Kate, looking a bit gassed. 


Me, looming in the shadows of the big, blue Jeep. 


The lovely Ohio River taken from a touristy spot in Marietta, Ohio. I think I may have gotten a tick bite while taking in the scenery. 


Me and Kate. I'm tired and hungover; she's either giddy or slap-happy. 

Hematoma HNT...

Just in time for Half-Neddid Thursday: my lovely bruised knee from slamming into a pole on a platform dance floor. Yes, I've documented a girl's first stripper equipment injury. Pretty, huh? 

Itchy...

I had a lovely time visiting my sister in West Virginia, and have many a story and picture to share, but right now I'm miserable. I am experiencing a strange delayed allergic reaction to the sunless tanning products I've been using for the past week or so. I am red, itchy, lumpy, and thanks to my high tolerance for pain, I am bloody (fingernails in my sleep.) Gross and nasty. I'm pale once again.

And I'm all out of Aveeno bath-soak stuff.

Half-nekkid Thursday may be a pic. of the bottom of my feet--one of the only non-itchy places on my bod.

Alcohol...

Just a quick little blurb about the amazing effects of beer on my brain. Further vacation details to follow:

12 ounces of beer (Bud Light): purely a cool drink
24 ounces: I become talkative
36 ounces: I become very chit-chatty
48 ounces: I begin to talk about the "Transformers" movie from the 80s with a few very cool chemical engineers I've just met. I discover that lots of guys watch "Adult Swim" on the Cartoon Network. My inner geek is totally hanging out.
1 Crown Royal mixed shot (purchased for me): things become very amusing and I am willing to think about dancing
1 Ammaretto Sour (purchased for me): I will dance in public
60 ounces of beer (my final drink since the money has run out): I discover how to get upside down on a stripper pole. Figuring out how to get down is a different story.

That's all for now.

Vacation, all I ever wanted...

On Friday morning, for the first time since April 2004, I'll be taking a really long weekend for a road trip adventure. In 2004 it was to see my sister in St. Louis. This time it's to see her fairly new apartment in Vienna, West Virginia! Woo Hoo! I'm not exactly in the mood to be a guest right now, but since my schedule is wide open, this seems to work best for everyone. I have no idea what we'll be doing, but clubbing, bar-hopping and dancing may be in the mix. Since it's a little town in the middle of nothing, there's not much to do that doesn't involve alcohol. Oh dear.

The last time I drank heavily with my sister was immediately following a difficult final engineering exam (her exam, not mine.) I happened to be in East Lansing for a library seminar and tracked her down to a creepy basement bar (lots of character!) She was drinking vodka and cranberry juice like water and it was amusing until she fell off her barstool and onto her tush, and threw up...then she threw up in my new car...then she smacked me on my ass leaving a Pepto-pink handprint on a pair of good dress pants. Ah, good times.

As a housewarming gift for Kate, I was planning on getting her a cookie press I saw advertised on late-night TV, but since this trip was a bit sudden I'll get her one later on, just in time for Christmas cookies. Actually, this cookie press was a 2-for-1 deal, so I'll keep one for myself. Long story short: the housewarming gift is a five pound jar of marishino cherries from Costco. She goes nuts for them.

Reading: Martha Stewart Living

Watching: Good Eats

Hearing: The Church--Under the Milky Way (I love this song sooo much!)

Wearing: Grey shirt, jean shorts and fushia flip flops.

HNT...

Here I am, just lounging away the day, not quite half-nekkid this Thursday but definitely in a state of skimpiness. Also, my natural blinding whiteness seems to be the winner in the "battle of the fake tan." 

Scalded...

I just returned from running errands and checking on something at Wayne State. On the way home, I stopped at Trader Joe's for flax seed chips for my sister (more on her later, tomorrow maybe) and all-natural peanut butter. Anyway, I'm pushing the shopping cart with my right hand, the left is awkwardly holding a free sample cup of coffee, and I notice a very attractive young fella in the frozen organic section (tall, skinny, pale, dark-haired, glasses, no wedding ring, vaguely Jewish looking...just my type.) So, like a moron, I move my cart near his, pretend to be interested in the veggie enchiladas, prepare to make eye-contact and manage to spill the blisteringly hot coffee on my skirt and flip flop-clad feet. If that weren't enough, I also sounded like I had Tourette's syndrome. A very colorful string of expletives left my mouth and I think he ran away. Dammit. I just can't win.

Reading: Moby Dick

Drinking: Crappy strawberry wine--a wedding favor I found in the pantry.

Hearing: The Dead Milkmen

Wearing: Black Kenneth Cole sleeveless blouse, black skirt w/white polka dots and black beaded flip flops

Change comes from within...

Yes, I changed the template again. I've got a huge amount of anxiety right now and it's manifesting itself in serious blog indecision.

I need a drink. Right now. Vodka tonic, here I come!

Robert Smith kicks ass...

Um, thanks South Park.
Seriously, Disintegration is quite possibly the best album ever made, and as I discovered this afternoon it is also the perfect music for cleaning a bathroom. Serious tunes for tub scrubbing. I was only able to locate my cassette; I know I have (or had) the CD, but it was probably stolen by an ex-BF (bastard.)

Also, a zillion years ago, I saw an ad for neighborhoodies, this great site for custom design t-shirts, sweatshirts, hoodies, bags and other stuff. Last week, after thinking about it forever, I finally ordered something! It just arrived today and I'm VERY happy with the results!!!!


Dig it!! My new Neighborhoodies shirt! It's also my superhero name. 

Also, also, I re-tanned and it worked. Now I look like a Samoan (no offense to Samoans. You're a beautiful people. I'm just not used to being so dark. I usually look like an anemic Swede (who are also beautiful people, no offense as well.)

Reading: The new New Yorker, which arrived on Saturday

Seeing: Woozy stars, thanks to bathroom cleaning products

Hearing: Disintegration, as I had stated earlier. More specifically, "Lullaby."

Wearing: Jean shorts, yellow tank top, fushia flip flops.

I tried...

A few days ago, after getting tired of constantly hearing about how sickly I looked (thanks to my family,) I purchased Neutrogena's Build-a-Tan gift pack. For $19.99 I got a pre-tan scrub, Build-a-Tan for the body, Build-a-Tan for the face, a pair of scrubby shower mits, and a moisturizing lip gloss. Separately, the products would total around $35.00 at least, so this was a great deal!

Yesterday morning I followed the directions to a tee and waited for results. Several hours later I thought I looked nice and bronzed (for me, at least.) Upon further inspection, it's not that great. I somehow forgot to apply the tanner to the backs of my knees (knee-pits?), the sides of my feet, and the back of my left arm. It sort of looks like I have vitalago. I'm planning on doing the whole exfoliating/tanning process again tomorrow morning. Hopefully, I'll be more careful and observant.

Reading: DHC makeup catalog

Seeing: Newsradio on DVD

Hearing: Fred McDowell--Levee Camp Blues

Wearing: Black t-shirt, green Old Navy shorts (I stocked up in several colors) and black beaded flip flops

I'm bored and whiney...

It's 90 degrees in my neck of the woods right now and I'm feeling lousy. We've turned the AC on for the first time all year, and at first I thought my dad was being a bit wimpy, but after spending a few hours outside I feel this is a good decision. I could be getting a tan the good old-fashioned cancerous way, but today I'm trying the fake tan thang so I won't be Grub Girl anymore. I also have a terrible sore throat and really achey muscles. Late spring cold! Yay!

I wish there was something playing at the movies that interested me. There's nothing. Unfortunately, I'm really not eagerly anticipating Batman or War of the Worlds. Cinderella Man isn't doing anything for me, especially since I already saw a boxing movie this year. One is enough for me. And I greatly dislike Russel Crowe, so there.

Reading: Moby Dick

Seeing: UFO special on the History Channel, will be watching the Tony's later tonight.

Hearing: Ministry-Everyday is Halloween

Wearing: Pink Old Navy shorts, plum t-shirt and fushia flip-flops

Green is good...

After spending many an hour playing with template codes, I think I'm finally happy with the green shade of this blog. It's definitely tons better than the pink of last week and zillions of times better than the original beige-gray of the template. Can I finally be at peace???

Speaking of being at peace, I just returned from a Polish festival at Our Lady of Czestochowa. Being 100% Polish, I am a rarity among second and third generation Americans these days. Both sides of my family are straight from Poland, we have a very strong ethnic identity, we eat Polish food at least twice a week, we give to Polish charities, and some family members are still a bit shaky with English. When I go to Polish Market (which I refer to as Po Mar) or to festivals, I instantly feel much more comfortable, relaxed and at peace. It's strange--everyone around looks slightly familiar and oddly non-threatening. Listening to people speak Polish or English with an accent takes me back to my childhood and parties with my great-grandparents.

I love living where I do: next door to the right are Ukrainians, to the left are Poles, in back are Italians and the all-Americans are across the street. Sterling Heights is a HUGE pastiche of cultures and ethnic groups and it's always interesting and educational (plus it's walking distance from both Thai and Macedonian restaurants,) but it's nice to see someone who looks like a great-aunt or distant cousin at the market.

I've pretty much abandoned my search for Mr. Wonderful, or a boyfriend, or a boy who's a friend, or even a crappy guy who'll acknowledge my presence on occasion, but I've come to realize that a nice Polish boy would be perfect for me--and I can hopefully keep the Polish legacy alive...but if my Mongolian soul mate arrives, I won't shoo him away!

Reading: Moby Dick

Seeing: Newsradio on DVD

Hearing: Kraftwerk, who were in Detroit last night

Wearing: Old Navy low cut jeans that fit oh-so-nicely

Shoesies...

Although I'm getting a bit iffy on the whole Junior League thing, I think I'm going to buy these shoes:


Darling, aren't they?

What the hell is my problem? I'm sick!

I have a sundress that matches them to a tee!

Oh God, did I just admit that?

They'll look great with my freshly fake-tanned legs!

Quick, somebody get me a copy of "The Bell Jar" STAT! Must...fight...the pastel cutesiness! There's a knock at the door--It's Leonard Cohen! Thank God! You've arrived just in time! Hey Leonard, like my new shoes???

Ahhh, that's better...

I think the violent pink/stomach-lining red I previously had on my blog was giving me the headache. I feel much better now.

Perky gals and Jen...

I've decided to try to make some new friends and get involved in my community, so tonight I attended the first informational meeting for the Junior League of Birmingham (and also crossed off #59 from the "Countdown to 30.") I am planning on paying dues and becomming a full, active member but at the same time, I think this might be a big mistake. I arrived at the meeting wearing my usual black and was greeted by the entire Lily Pulitzer spring collection. My God, there was soooo much pink. Also, all the girls there were incredibly tan and were all sporting humungous diamond rings. Serious rocks--at least three carats! To be perfectly truthful, it's basically an after-college sorority. I'm not sure I can pretend to be perky at least once a month for meetings. I'm sure I can muster something up.

I'm just in a less than great mood right now. I have a killer headache right on the top of my head. It's been with me off and on for the past three days. I'm pretty sure it's not sinus-related but thanks to certain COBRA problems, I'm very possibly without medical coverage, so going to the hospital is not an option. It's a brain tumor, I'm sure (or a weird migrane.)

Half-Nekkid Thursday...

These tootsies are definitely more than half-nekkid! 

She's a living doll...

Here is the Jen "action" figure with my handy-dandy sledge hammer--a must have accessory for the barbarian gal on the go. Now I need to find a mace. I especially like the little hobo bag they gave me. I guess the "action" of the figure was eating, thus explaining why my stomach is showing. I guess things like that will happen after spending afternoons sitting around Starbucks in my shiny black suit doing very little exercise. Also, if you look closely, you'll see the figure's roots are showing, much like mine are at this moment. 


Here are some of my less-than useful job search accessories: two recent copies of the New Yorker, Catch-22 and Neil Gaiman's American Gods--all miniature size, of course. I'm still looking for the perfect "action" coffee mug. 


Action figure party! I located my Mulder and Scully action figures and apparently we're at a Solidarność rally! Maybe Power Punch He-Man will get in on the action.