by PATRICIA MARX
Issue of 2004-09-20Posted 2004-09-13
The Los Angeles Times poll said one-third of the voters surveyed said they did not know enough about Kerry to decide whether he would be a better president than Bush. —The St. Petersburg Times.
“What do you stand for? Who the hell are you? And what are you passionate about, other than holding office?” asks Frances Montrosso, 58, a house cleaner from Syracuse, N.Y. —The Los Angeles Times.
I know, I know, I know. At the last focus group, I said that I’d make up my mind by the next focus group. But how can anyone choose, given how little we know, even today, about John Kerry? Sure, I’ve read all his speeches and I’ve done an online background check, looking into his possible unclaimed property, deadbeat parents, and outstanding fines owed to the Department of Motor Vehicles. But is this enough? As a voter committed to making a responsible decision, I want to know the real John Kerry.
—We know, for instance, that John Kerry went to Yale, but did he ever meet my friend Penny, who also went there?
—Has John Kerry taken a position on whether he would rather freeze to death or burn to death?
—It’s safe to say that everyone is curious about how pants end up on the side of the highway. What light can John Kerry shed on this?
—Do you think John Kerry needs any capers? Because I bought too many, and something tells me they’re too foreign for Bush.
—O.K., forget policy. When it comes to John Kerry, we have no information about even the basics. For example, what’s his lucky number?
—We have evidence that John Kerry played bass in high school with a band called the Electras. In light of this, does he know what “In-a-gadda-da-vida” means?
—In the upcoming Presidential debates, is John Kerry willing to debate the question “Who’s your favorite Stooge—Larry, Moe, or Shemp?”?
—Is John Kerry familiar with all 57 Varieties?
—John Kerry’s height (six feet four) is public knowledge, but who knows his depth?
—Why has John Kerry remained silent on the issue of men wearing sandals with socks?
—What does John Kerry think of my proposal that there be a rating for stupid movies, called IQ-13?
—If John Kerry were offered the choice between, on the one hand, being President but looking like Jackie Mason and, on the other hand, not being President and looking like himself, which would he pick?
—Can anyone tell me what John Kerry majored in? If he majored in something impractical, like Celtic and Norse studies, his chances of getting a job would be slim, so I might be more inclined to give him a break and vote for him for President.
—Would John Kerry support an amendment to the Constitution that would guarantee monetary compensation to people in focus groups?
—While on the campaign trail, do John Kerry and John Edwards share hair products?
—I know what George Bush thinks about the environment. He’s against it. But where does John Kerry stand? I hate eating out-of-doors; does he?
—The Hokey Pokey. Is John Kerry prepared to go on record as saying that “that’s what it’s all about”?
—Let’s say John Kerry were single. How would he feel if my friend Penny asked him out on a date? How about if she did it now?
—Here is something I must be apprised of or I will not be able to pick a candidate in November: Is it faster to go down Broad Street or take the expressway to get to my polling place? I can’t decide.
—I could also do with some juicy personal details about the other people in this focus group.