Sunday, July 11, 2004

Welcome to Reality...

Well, it looks like things between M. and myself are pretty much finished, even before anything really started. I'm fairly crushed even though nothing is certain, but for the most part, I'm sure, even though my mind is probably twisted and all is still good for now. I bet he never liked me in a serious way. On Friday we went to see Fahrenheight 9/11 and hung out with his friends. At dinner, we shared an appetizer sampler and we seemed like a beginning-dating couple. After the movie we hung out with some of his friends and had coffee, then afterwards I hung out with him at his house and we talked about everything until 4:00 AM, even though I was in a really shitty mood. Then I crashed on his couch. Seriously, we talked about everything, even things he probably hadn't intended on sharing with me. Then in the morning, he made me coffee and tea As I was leaving, he didn't even want to kiss me goodbye. Maybe it was the fear of coffee breath?

After seeing him for a month, he seems distant and not interested in seeing me. Maybe that's just the way he is, who knows? Maybe he's not a chit-chatty type of guy. I plan on inviting him over to my place this Friday for dinner (I'll cook a turkey or something) and ask him where all this is going, or if he is interested in me at all. After a month, I would like to know if I'm wasting my time. Of course, maybe he's not sure, but I'd like to know if he is at all interested, even a little. To be perfectly honest, he doesn't seem to mind paying for all my meals, drinks and movie tickets, so that's something. Time is precious and I wasted more than my share on Luis--that's for sure. I don't want that to happen again. I'd like to know if I should put away my feelings for M. if they aren't based on a mutual attraction type of thing.

Even if he doesn't want to be anything more than friends, maybe that's just what I need--a friend. I have way too few friends these days and my life is wasting away spent being lonely.

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