NOooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Michael Penn had a concert in Ann Arbor last night!!!! I totally missed it!!!! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!!

That's the only show I was looking forward to seeing. I guess I checked on his tour a few days too late.



The last concert I attended was R.E.M. in 1995. I'm way long overdue. But I wanted to see him!!!!!!

Yet another incentive to lose weight...

I need this. I don't just want this, I NEED THIS! I could even cross off an entry on the countdown to 30 list with this bikini.

Note: the picture is small, but it's a Tabasco hot sauce bikini.

This one's just for you Miss Ago...

I'm the ugly one on the left. This was quite possibly the worst I've ever felt and looked. I'm about 25 pounds lighter these days and not quite as gross-looking, but I'm permanently scarred for life thanks to these dresses. The fact that the sun was in my eyes didn't help much. Sadly, this is a good picture from that day. The other picture I have accentuates the fact that the dress didn't fit, it wrinkled really strangely, and I shouldn't have been allowed to drink as heavily as I did that night.

Also, the dyed-to-match shoes self-destructed before the end of the night.

So, that's why my car smells moldy...

I was in a hit-and-run accident a while back and my driver's side rear bumper was slightly dinged. I didn't really think much of it. Most of my thinking was dedicated to the bitch who drove off.

Flash forward to this afternoon. I was trying to find the source of the moldy smell when I discovered several inches of standing water where my spare tire resides. The tire is slimy, the tire changing kit is gross and for the past several months, rainwater has been accumulating in my trunk. I rarely keep anything in my trunk aside from an emergency kit housed in a milk crate, so I never knew of any serious dampness issues.

My dad and I worked on the problem for a few hours this afternoon, before the torrential rains moved into the area. Water just pours in! Now I'm sure I've got black, moldy lung thanks to the fucking bitch who rear-ended me. That's a bit of a stretch, but it's true.

Clarification...

A one-mile portion of the marathon is run through the Detroit/Windsor Tunnel under the Detroit River.

I just returned from seeing "Just Like Heaven." Maybe I should try to get knocked into a coma. Maybe then things will start happening for me.

*sigh*

Half-marathon: Not gonna happen...

Way back in April I registered for the Detroit Marathon's lovely international, partially underwater half-marathon. Way back in April I was semi-healthy and had a super metabolism and energy. Five months later, I'm sad to say my metabolism has stalled and I've gained six pounds purely due to a semi-sedentary lifestyle and NOT my diet.

Luckily, I was able to switch to the 5K. It's a lovely little run and each year I manage to shave minutes off my previous year's time and I have the unique opportunity to beat Kwame Kilpatrick (and his posse's) time by at least 20 minutes. When Dennis Archer was mayor of Detroit, he ran w/o bodyguards and he was an impressive runner. Not Kwame.

Good and Bad...

Good: I've started thinking about National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo) which starts in November. Here's the link. I signed up for it last year and wrote about 500 words, instead of the 50,000. I truly sucked, but not this year!

Bad: The depression/blahs/unemployment blues have started manifesting themselves in my clothing. I've fallen in love with my yoga pants. This is really terrible, but since I'm rarely leaving the house and shunning the company of others (except for seeing movies occasionally) this is not really a problem.

Also, I must let it be known: today is National Talk Like a Pirate Day.

Also, also: The wedding date has been officially set for September 30th. We (mom and me) have to average a weight loss of about 2 pounds a month from now on. The dresses may be rust colored. Very interesting...

Leave me alone...

Yesterday evening I made my monthly sojourn to the movies to finally see "The 40-Year-Old-Virgin." I believe that the parts of the movie I was completely able to concentrate on totally rocked. Needless to say, something went wrong. Something always goes wrong.

Before the movie started, I grabbed my book and hung around a local strip-mall coffee shop. Just me and my book, not bothering anyone. I didn't notice anyone and wasn't trying to be noticed, but unfortunately I was wearing my new, very red cardigan which went soooo well with the 60 degree temps we've had recently.

Upon entering the theatre (which was a bit smaller than usual since the movie had been out for weeks already) I found a seat away from most of the moviegoers, sat and began reading again (hey, it's what I do!) Then a non-descript, youngish-looking guy asks me what I was reading, (a just-okay werewolf novel) then said he saw me at the coffee place and was going to talk to me but got nervous. I, not being used to talking to people, didn't say anything. Then he moves to sit right next to me and I discover that he smells like a mixture of unwashed hair, dirty clothes and coffee breath. He then goes on to tell me what he's reading at home, and that he doesn't read much and couldn't "get" the Da Vinci Code. Ummm, okay. He asks me what I do, I say I'm in between jobs and he goes on and on and on and on about his construction job. I listen politely and my ears slightly perk up when he says he's looking to go back to school. For what? Truck drivers training. Apparently, it's a family tradition.

Finally the previews begin and I LOVE previews...BUT HE WON'T STOP YAMMERING! He asked me if I saw Transporter II, to which I answered I hadn't heard of the first Transporter movie. I was being polite and cordial, but he wouldn't get the hint that I wanted him to shut up and go away. Then a preview with Jim Carrey is shown and the guy says he's his favorite actor. Trying to be nice and agreeable, I said I enjoyed "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" which, of course, he didn't understand.

Finally the movie started and I somehow became one with the side of my chair and armrest farthest away from the guy, who, for reasons I shall never be able to understand, kept offering me sips of his pop. Ugh, gross. And he had an unfiltered sense of humor. Subtle humor and real gross-out humor got the same barking, belly-laugh.

For approximately 1.5 hours, I was partially paying attention to the movie but mostly thinking about when I should leave the theater under the guise of a potty break and not return. Yet, the nice girl prevailed and I watched the rest of the movie, which was extremely funny. I'll have to go see it again when I can be guaranteed I'll be left alone.

As the movie ended, he followed me out and forced his number on me. I didn't have a pen (damn, yeah right.) so he made sure I put the number directly into my phone and call him so he'd have my number. He backed me into the wall and watched as I entered all the numbers correctly. I got his number and quickly disappeared into the crowd. He will not be getting a call from me.

Okay, some might think I was being an antisocial bitch, but I got such a creepy vibe from this guy it wasn't even funny. I still have the creeps from the guy. I'm beginning to think he followed me from the coffee place. Why can't I meet a nice, Woody Allen fan??? A nice guy who wouldn't even think of sharing pop with a total stranger.

13 Months...

I have approximately 13 months until the wedding. In that time, I will need to lose a ton of weight. Thanks to "My Virtual Model" this is what I could look like at 100 pounds:


If only this model could be a reliable prognosticator...I would have a real, living-person skin tone and my fear of midrif-baring clothing will have disappeared.

Unfortunately, my hair will still look like shit.

Temp, part II...

It looks like I went straight from "Shopgirl" to "The Office." There is a good chance I'll be having an interview for an executive assistant-type position sometime next week. They're looking for someone who can organize an office of five or so sales types. There is a warehouse attached to corporate headquarters. I'd also be around to answer the phone and type. Ah, lovely. I can be Dawn.


My Jeopardy experience has reared it's ugly head once again. All my sister's friend's mother really knows about me is that 1. my name, 2. the fact that I'm unemployeed, 3. I have a perfect, beautiful sister and 4. I was on Jeopardy. Soooo, I had to relay the whole story to several perfect strangers; the whole sob story about how "The NBA" category ruined my plans for paying for law school and, in essence, why I was sitting in a temp. agency in the first place.

And I had to wear a turtleneck in today's 80 degree temps.

Temp...

I haven't been around much lately, and I've been highly negligent in checking out everyone's blogs, but hopefully all this will be changing soon.

I have my first appointment at a temp agency this afternoon. My sister's best friend's mother is VP of the agency, so perhaps that will help me in my quest to find gainful employment that doesn't make me want to kill myself.

Now, I need to find a shirt to wear with my suit that will hide the chest gash.

Another ridiculously stupid injury...

Yesterday was the day of my sister's huge engagement party. So of course, the second everyone arrives we're running short on pop and ice. Since I'm not getting married and of little interest to the rest of the crowd, I'm sent off to Kroger. Upon entering the store I'm stung by a bee, and thanks to a surge in adrenaline, longer-than-necessary fingernails, and semi-latent self-mutilation issues, this is the result:



So, in summary, Kate has a princess cut diamond and platinum ring and a nice fiancee. Jen has a bloody, self-inflicted wound on her chest. And the mutherfucker stings and burns something awful!

Bad times...

I'm back in the funk. I tried to relieve the blues by dying my hair (one of my very favourite activities.) Instead of a nice, rich, chestnut brown...it's dark shit brown/black. And we're having an engagement party tomorrow at my house, so I'll have to be seen by my entire family. I made an emergency highlight appointment for tomorrow afternoon, but I'm not sure much can be done to salvage my current look.

And to make matters even worse, I'm quite sure I broke my left thumb. I can hardly bend it and it hurts like hell. I only have limited insurance coverage, so I'm not sure if it will count as an emergency room-caliber injury.

And, I had a horrible dream last night: (and it's killing me to type with two hands, but I'm working through the pain) I had a job interview at a college (maybe Wayne State) for some kind of secretarial position. The first interview went well, I actually got a callback for a second interview which also went well, then on the way out a student stole the stocking cap I was wearing (stylin', huh?) and I verbally accosted him, thus embarrassing him around his friends, so along with stealing my hat, he beat the shit out of me, rendering me deaf, so I lost the job because it involved answering the phone.

I'm off to search for a pain killer. I think we have some codeine-based stuff somewhere.

Take a deep breath...

Okay, I probably won't be developing Lupus for another decade, but the fact still remains that it is on the horizon. I was trying to figure out why I recently became so photosensitive, I started stringing possibilities together and voila: a semi-plausible answer.

I've got a fairly common, mild pain-in-the-ass autoimmune condition (condition? problem? disease?) which manifests itself in dry skin, dry eyes, dry mouth, arthritis-like joint pain (yet not RA, thankfully) and general aches, pains and fatigue. Things could be tons worse: also in the disease family is scleroderma, which is fatal, so I'll live comfortably with dry, itchy eyes.

On the upside: I'm starting to write a werewolf novel!

Should I blame this on the supernatural romance novels I've been reading lately?

Lupus.

Gee, everything was going soooo fucking well in my life.

Off to get more blood tests pretty soon.