Monday, November 29, 2004


I thought it was just a passing "Party Girl" phase, but after serious consideration, I've decided to go back to Wayne State and finish my Master's in Library and Information Science. About two years ago, I dropped out of the program, citing many reasons for my change of mind. After all that time, and a little dalliance with Oakland U's paralegal program, I know now for sure that I NEED to become a librarian.

My current job in the library is slowly killing me each and every day...but I work at a law firm library and my job is highly unusual. I have no peers and no one to talk to. I'm the only library assistant in Detroit. I'm completely isolated. I know for certain that being a reference librarian at a nice, window-filled public library will be much different. My job has caused me to change my mind about a lot of things, and this has not been a good thing. My mind races and I'm constantly thinking of different occupations that I can try. I'm always jumpy, nervous, and depressed. My anxiety level is always sky-high. I'm perpetually melancholy. I no longer care about the law. I think that perhaps, maybe, my job is mentally and emotionally toxic...but unfortunately, I can't afford to pursue anything else. I'm not qualified to do anything except wait tables, make coffee and shelf books. After all that education, that's all I know how to do. The friendships and medical benefits are keeping me here. Maybe if the librarian talked to me or even said thank you or said God forbid "good job" would I feel better. Or if she even said "good morning." Alas, no. But I feel really terrible. I want to be a productive cog in the works here, but I feel so unbelievably useless. I've mentioned this to my parents and was basically told that everyone hates their jobs, so quit complaining.

Everything is rotten. I had to take a link away from my paperclip-weight loss chain. I gained one pound. That's better off than I'd usually be this time of year. The staff holiday party is on Saturday and I can't find a dress to wear. I absolutely can't! I shopped at Marshall Field's at Oakland and at Sommerset and nothing looked good on me. I don't know what happened--I lost almost 20 pounds and somehow stayed in the same size! I've even gotten bigger in places. Maybe I was bloated when trying on the dresses, but who knows? The problem with last week was the absence of my "Friday Fast." For the past several weeks, my Friday diet has consisted of oatmeal for breakfast, fruit and veggies for lunch and dinner, and TONS of water. All sugars and salts entering my system will be all natural. Basically I pee out all the impurities and am non-bloated for my Saturday morning weigh-in. This past Friday, the leftovers were too strong a temptation for me...and now I'm bummed.

So to sum everything up: I want to be a librarian, I'm trapped in a dead-end job, I'm not as fat as I used to be, but still a bit bigger than I was, and I'm a depressing drip.

1 comment:

Julie said...

You know what you need? A drink! A really strong drink! I am prescribing you a Dirty Martini with a blue cheese-stuffed olive.

I can't believe you are bigger than you must have just been shopping on a bad mood day. Take a friend shopping next time. That's a lifesaver.