Realization...

It's days like today when I start to get really introspective and try to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. Although I'm 27 years old, I still occasionally say "When I grow up I'm going to..." then I catch myself and feel dumb. Yes, I know you're only as old as you feel, but since I have arthritis in my elbows, hips and left hand fingers, I'm feeling about 85. I still look really young and I'm carded all the time, but pretty soon I'm going to become just a lady instead of "young lady." Crain's Detroit Business has a yearly "40 Under 40" article, but I'm going to be forty in thirteen years. There's no way in hell I'm planning on getting into Crain's, especially since I don't care about business or starting a company.

I'm thinking about starting a music career...okay a music hobby to piss off my family and friends. Leonard Cohen was pushing 40 before he ever appeared on stage...but he was also a semi-well known poet, author and songwriter before the world knew him as a performer. I have one song mostly written: "We both know I'm better off alone." Isn't that a great title? I have other ideas about songs but they mostly revolve around things that are pissing me off at the time, like my desk chair and winter itch ("The hairy legs exzema itchiness blues.") If I had a wonderful voice things could work out, but I don't. I'm a second alto, and a fairly nasal one at that. Maybe if I wasn't perpetually stuffed up and bothered with sinus problems and other ear, nose and throat problems I would sound better. Leonard Cohen has the best voice, and like a fine wine, it's getting better with age. I could probably remember what I learned in guitar lessons from six years ago. Maybe I'll acquire a child's learning guitar for my child-size hands.

It's been an especially bad ADD day. I really haven't been able to accomplish any of my tasks for the day and I've been going mad! I even called around to try and find a psychiatrist who will prescribe Ritalin for me. I'm not too keen on how it seems to turn on and suddenly turn off, but it does work for nice, three hour long stretches. Another option is Adderal, but that shit is way addictive and I could see myself getting really screwed up on it. It took years to fight that addiction, and I still get cravings every time I thing about it...but the damn stuff worked so incredibly well!!!

People like me were never meant to have steady, 40 hour a week jobs. I'm sure my brain and flaky personality will get me fired and I'll never have a decent reference, and I'll be living with my parents ad infinitum! Yeah, like I need another situation like the one I'm in! I need to find employment at an art gallery, or at Borders, or somewhere where I can get the creative juices flowing. I'm an artist at heart. At the rate I'm going I'll be in a group home painting Grandma Moses-type folk art, after the lobotomy, of course.