I WANT TO BE A LIBRARIAN!!!!

I thought it was just a passing "Party Girl" phase, but after serious consideration, I've decided to go back to Wayne State and finish my Master's in Library and Information Science. About two years ago, I dropped out of the program, citing many reasons for my change of mind. After all that time, and a little dalliance with Oakland U's paralegal program, I know now for sure that I NEED to become a librarian.

My current job in the library is slowly killing me each and every day...but I work at a law firm library and my job is highly unusual. I have no peers and no one to talk to. I'm the only library assistant in Detroit. I'm completely isolated. I know for certain that being a reference librarian at a nice, window-filled public library will be much different. My job has caused me to change my mind about a lot of things, and this has not been a good thing. My mind races and I'm constantly thinking of different occupations that I can try. I'm always jumpy, nervous, and depressed. My anxiety level is always sky-high. I'm perpetually melancholy. I no longer care about the law. I think that perhaps, maybe, my job is mentally and emotionally toxic...but unfortunately, I can't afford to pursue anything else. I'm not qualified to do anything except wait tables, make coffee and shelf books. After all that education, that's all I know how to do. The friendships and medical benefits are keeping me here. Maybe if the librarian talked to me or even said thank you or said God forbid "good job" would I feel better. Or if she even said "good morning." Alas, no. But I feel really terrible. I want to be a productive cog in the works here, but I feel so unbelievably useless. I've mentioned this to my parents and was basically told that everyone hates their jobs, so quit complaining.

Everything is rotten. I had to take a link away from my paperclip-weight loss chain. I gained one pound. That's better off than I'd usually be this time of year. The staff holiday party is on Saturday and I can't find a dress to wear. I absolutely can't! I shopped at Marshall Field's at Oakland and at Sommerset and nothing looked good on me. I don't know what happened--I lost almost 20 pounds and somehow stayed in the same size! I've even gotten bigger in places. Maybe I was bloated when trying on the dresses, but who knows? The problem with last week was the absence of my "Friday Fast." For the past several weeks, my Friday diet has consisted of oatmeal for breakfast, fruit and veggies for lunch and dinner, and TONS of water. All sugars and salts entering my system will be all natural. Basically I pee out all the impurities and am non-bloated for my Saturday morning weigh-in. This past Friday, the leftovers were too strong a temptation for me...and now I'm bummed.

So to sum everything up: I want to be a librarian, I'm trapped in a dead-end job, I'm not as fat as I used to be, but still a bit bigger than I was, and I'm a depressing drip.

Ugh...

I am going to explode. To quote the commercial: "I can't believe I ate the whole thing." I ate mostly cranberries, jello, a tiny piece of turkey, mashed cauliflower, a cornbread roll, a bit of stuffing and green bean casserole. This is much less than I usually eat, but I'm not used to stuffing myself anymore.

Pink-Eyed Monster...

After weeks of putting it off, I shall be going to the emergency room sometime around noon today. Actually I'll be visiting Beaumont's "Prompt Care" since the doctor's who deal with the heart-attack victims don't have the patience for ol' Pink-Eye McGee (aka ME.)

It's my right eye (my right) and it's actually quite attractive. Nice swollen lid, cotton-candy pink sclera, bloodshot veins a-plenty. Plus, as an added bonus, it feels like a knife is embedded in my eye socket!

I look like I just had the shit beaten out of me, since the eye is watery and light sensitive and my dark circles are pronounced. I always look terrible this time of year because I always get incredibly pale but the dark circles (or allergic shiners as some prefer to call them) become darker and way more purple. I don't even bother with cover up during the winter months. I end up looking like I have something nasty and fatal. It does get me sympathy sometimes. Apparently, I looked so bad during the winter of first grade that my teachers became worried. Child abuse was suspected, but since I had a bloody nose nearly every day, threw up on a regular basis and was always really phlegmy and mucousy, it was decided that I was just a really sick kid.

At least it's a slow day at work. I can close my door and just wallow.

More blah...

Today I saw Mr. Former-Workplace-Crush and yes, the word "former" is now part of his title. I didn't turn red or develop that stupid nervous laugh when speaking with him. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if the crush wore off on it's own, or if I'm in such a low mood that I convinced myself that nothing good is ever going to happen to me. I'm always like this during the holidays. I'm completely alone; hearing jewelry commercials on the radio and seeing nice young couples walking around holding hands just makes me ache. I saw tons of nice, happy couples walking around Birmingham last night. I have to admit, this seasonal depression has set in earlier than usual. It was a shittier year than usual, that's for sure.

I've lost a total of 18 pounds so far, so my Thanksgiving goal wasn't completely given up on, unlike all the other goals of years past. Everyone at work is now noticing how different I look, and I'm really getting uncomfortable. For nearly 27 years, I've done everything in my power to blend in with the crowd. Everything I own is black (of course, everything always matches!) but I'm now being singled out. It is amusing but still creepy. I've definitely lost the most weight in my face, stomach, and back. My hair is getting longer and I'm still highlighting it, so maybe I'm subconsciously wanting to be noticed. After so many years of avoiding attention, maybe things will begin to change.

Best weight loss quote I've been told so far: "Why you losin' weight? Only a dog wants a bone!"

I really need something to change. This is the deepest rut I've ever been stuck in.

Blah...

That just about explains everything in my life these days. I'm just existing right now. It's that pre-holiday burn-out sensation I'm suffering from, I think. It's six days until Thanksgiving and I'm already sick of hearing Christmas music. Two lame-o easy listening radio stations are playing exclusively Christmas music and have been since Halloween. That's a little bit excessive, don't you think? The only Christmas songs I enjoy are "Christmastime is Here" from Charlie Brown's Christmas and "Do They Know It's Christmas?" by Band-Aid. What would the holidays be without Bono's really creepy line "Tonight thank God it's them instead of you...?" Of course who could forget "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime..." Okay, don't get me wrong, I love this song...it's just that if an African tribesperson living in a grass hut in the Sudan or Somalia ever saw snow, they'd absolutely freak.

I'm really looking forward to Thanksgiving. This is a brief (kinda) rundown of the menu:
Deep fried Turkey
Turkey on the outside grill
Microwavable mashed potatoes (so Mom won't be freaking out over lumps, mashing, etc...)
Green Bean casserole (for Kate)
Sweet Potatoes with bananas and butter pecans (I'm making this)
Cranberries with hazelnuts (I'm making this)
Gravy
Stuffing
Mashed Cauliflower (low carb, I'm making this)
Rolls
Pumpkin Pie
Apple Pie
Other assorted vegetables
Chips and dip
Fruitcake Jello (I'm making this)
Cherry Almond Jello (I'm making this)

A good portion of the recipes and ideas for the menu are from the food channel. We're really having a southern-style spread this year. And if anyone complains, THEY CAN HOST THE PARTY NEXT YEAR!!!!! Although I do not like sweet potatoes or bananas, the recipe I saw on TV was too good to pass up. I'm going to be a real helper this year. Things should be quite interesting.

Maybe I'm blah due to my choice of movies and music lately. Last week I watched "Magnolia" for the first time. Superb movie, although the fact that I identify with the off-kilter coke junkie Claudia is slightly unsettling. Tom Cruise was actually okay (for a change) and Philip Seymour Hoffman rocked my world as usual. Of course, I've been listening to Aimee Mann more than one probably should these days. She's uber-awesome (I can't get the umlaut to work!)

Maybe it's the fact that Matt cancelled our little date scheduled for last night. He said he had food poisoning. He probably has some "not-interested-in-jen-itis" mixed in.

Sigh.

A bit lax...

Yeah, I've been a bit negligent lately, but since no one actually reads this, I don't feel too bad. Here are a few of the matters that have been occupying my time lately:

The Diet:
As of this morning I have lost 16 pounds. Now I wear a size 6 in pants. Dangity, that felt weird to type! I am only halfway finished with my weight-loss escapade. 109 seems like a long way off, but I do detect the light at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, I'll look like a schlep in my too-big clothing since I'm way too po to do any serious shopping. I haven't been this light since high school, and since I was the world's biggest dork back then, clothing from that era is not a wearable option.

The School:
I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of it.

The 50,000 word novel:
This is showing a little bit of promise. Now if I can only get my brain organized enough to sit down and write. It's all about Gypsies, communication with the dead, the occult, and a miserable gal just like me who's lookin' fer love. Maybe I'll actually get it published...*snort*

Match.com:
I met a really nice guy on Thursday. Matt is an orthopedic surgeon. He's blisteringly intelligent and easy to talk to. He sorta had this geeky hipster vibe. I dig him, ergo, I'll never hear from him again.

My Health:
So far I've been self-diagnosing sinus infections, ear infections, tonsillitis, and a clingy strain of pinkeye. I haven't had the time to actually go to the doctor, so basically I'm a sniffly, stuffy headed, hoarse, red-eyed monster. Quite attractive, hmmm? Luckily, people at work think I'm either not getting enough sleep or am perpetually stoned. No on both fronts.

Time to get back to the studying thang.